It was today that N, tentatively but with obvious excitement that he had met someone. As in, someone else. And truthfully, I saw it coming, so it wasn't entirely surprising. So, here comes the test of this open relationship business. What rushed in first was sadness. Extreme sadness. Followed by pretty much everything else you can think of. I could feel myself turning inward, snapping shut like a steel trap... because I suddenly felt like I might completely lose my composure. He could tell something was wrong, and I couldn't even articulate any of it. Ultimately, I had to just get out of the apartment... I know that my reaction was hurtful to him, but I couldn't help it at the time. How I feel about it is complicated, and not how I had hoped or wanted to feel about it at all. And now I feel like a liar. My stance has always been that I couldn't guarantee one way or another how I would feel about it (until it happened), but that I would never have him be trapped in his relationship with me, nor would I tell him what he can and can't do within it. I still feel that way, but it is now obvious that if I *can't* live with it then either he doesn't pursue any other relationships based on me getting upset, or he does and we break up. Neither are particularly awesome outcomes. Both are hurtful to both of us.*sigh*
I *want* it to be ok... I *want* to be happy for him, but right now, I'm just not.