Sunday, November 25, 2012

Down, Down, Up, Down, Up....

The past week has been one of the most emotionally trying weeks I've had since my mom was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer.
So many tears have been shed... we've talked, and talked, and talked... some things that hadn't been said were finally said. Though, it still felt like we were going in circles, talking about things over and over without feeling any sense of resolution, or movement towards resolution. His fear and unhappiness that he'd hurt me caused N to proclaim monogamy, despite his ongoing struggle with it. I had the irrational thought that I was just going to tell him, 'Fuck it. Do what you want and I'll deal with it somehow.' Because I could see how unhappy he was.
Sometimes, when you're deeply upset about something, it can trigger the surfacing of other pain, which is exactly what happened to N. Years of pent up grief (relating to other events in his past) that came out in a rush over the course of a day. As is the usual case with me, I shelved my own emotions so I could just be present for him... it was painful for me to see him like that, even though I knew it was necessary. I did cry about it later, after he'd gone to work. I felt some anger, anger that he's felt forced to carry all this baggage for all these years because he didn't have a safe place to release it. But, at least it's being dealt with now. And I can tell he's better. *Now* I can feel that our talks about the other stuff are finally getting somewhere.  The discussion of monogamy will be ongoing, I think, but he's decided that he's going to give it a go, especially as he works through some of his own issues relating to sex and relationships.
The other thing that happened as part of all this was a full verbal disclosure of our feelings for one another, which was a scary thing to do. Especially as we acknowledge the full extent of our attachment to one another, which is deep and intense in a way that I can't explain to people. We have really, really big feelings for one another. I'm not so naive that I don't know that many relationships aren't forever, but I know with absolute certainty that if I lost him, a part of me would be broken forever, even as my life moved forward, and he feels the same.
One of the things I had to acknowledge, which took me some time to see, was that his interest in getting involved with another woman really shook my sense of security. Even though I never questioned his feelings for me, and I knew that this desire of his wasn't because of me, I still felt suddenly like here was this thing that could bring all sorts of complications and pain, and for what? Sex? And what happens when someone's expectations change? What happens when she wants more of him than he can give? So many considerations... and perhaps it will be me who moves to a place of acceptance, who knows.
Another thing, was the fact that neither of us had really thought about how our relationship changed after we moved in together. It *does* change things, even if you don't recognize it at first. And that might have been the thing that triggered my change my change of heart regarding extracurricular activities, something I didn't even think about until I was faced with it.
These past few days, it has felt really important for us for us to spend time together, not just for Relationship Discussions, but just talking and enjoying each others company. Yesterday was the first day where I felt like things were moving toward a normal place. Or, at least a more emotionally stable one. I feel my sense of security moving back into place (it's an illusion, but it's there).

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