Wow, my brain has really been working overtime lately... I haven't slept consistently for weeks. I have a tendency to overthink, which never ends well.
I'd been thinking about a blog post for a while, but was worried about how much to say. Because some of what has been on my mind concerns my spouse, I couldn't come here and say things I wouldn't say to him directly. And a lot of it *hasn't* been said to him directly... not because I don't want to, but because I still feel like not much good would come from it, just frustration and hurt feelings. I can't change who he is anyway.
Now that I'm just a few years away from 40 (eee!), and The Husband and I are hurtling toward our 11 year anniversary, I find myself sort of hyper-aware of things that are... missing. Not newly missing, but always missing. Things that I've found myself able to live with until recently. I have never wanted out of my marriage. I don't find myself wanting to be intimate with another man. It seems like what I want is *attention*. Maybe because of my age and being post two births, I've even found myself thinking 'Am I still pretty? Do men notice me? Do they just see a tired out mom?'
The week that my mom died, I started going to a massage therapist. I had wrenched my back a week prior and was in a lot of pain. It turned out that I needed a chiropractor anyway, but I felt so great after the massage that I decided to keep going. It was like a revelation. It's *real* 'me' time. Where I go and I don't talk or think about my family. Its just me. It made me realize what 'me' time really was, and it wasn't just being away from the kids. During that time, there's no self-consciousness, no worries, no real world.
From there I started realizing how I'd isolated myself... and that I *really* needed to work on my friendships, beyond just showing up for an occasional playdate. I even had the thought that I don't have male friends anymore... I have some on FB, but not really in real life. My husband has female friends, maybe I should have some male friends! I don't know, it was a random thought.
Fact is, I've married a man who is not very affectionate, and its been tolerable all these years, but now I find that I miss that terribly. I have to try to cultivate other relationships that fills that void... without becoming the 'Needy Friend'. I've been on the receiving end of that myself and I know how draining it is. I don't want to be that person. It's come to a point where the most focused attention that I get these days is a once a month appointment with the massage therapist. While I have no intention of giving *that* up anytime soon, I just can't let that be all there is. I haven't figured out all the answers yet... but at least I'm taking charge of my own problem.