Went to the hospital this morning... I didn't stay very late today, as I am finding it harder and harder to just sit there all day. I feel like I'm just sitting there watching my mom die. I know that's an exaggeration, but that is just how it feels. While we all get our cheerleader on, 'YOU WIGGLED A FINGER!!! YAY!!!', I'm also thinking, 'So what?'. HER MIND IS GOING AWAY AND IT'S NOT COMING BACK. That's what hurts the most... well, that and the fact that she probably won't see my kids grow up and/or meet any new kids that might be had someday. No more cards in the mail, just for fun, no more imaginative Christmas gifts with creative wrapping. No more weekly emails, no more gardening discussions. No more Cancer Society thrift shop drama. No more compulsively washing my dishes when she visits my house. No more good advice.
Tomorrow we hear from the oncologists. My dad has a little fire under him now, about the possibility of treatment. I am wary of this... maybe I'm just being negative. I know enough about this type of cancer to know that statistically it doesn't respond well to chemo/radiation. I can't just say 'Sorry mom, we're just going to let you die' either, so maybe I'm just bracing myself for a negative outcome. Mostly, I want it to be over, one way or another, whether it be her time to go or get better. It just hurts, for all of us.
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