Thursday, November 10, 2011

And Once Again I Seem to Drop off the Map...

I really try to be a better blogger... but I can't help it. So much has changed in my life in these past few months, but so much of it is very, very personal. Some of my friends know what I'm talking about. Someday they'll all know. A lot of the stuff that I've needed to talk about has been better put on paper, where it is only read by me.

But, the good news is, right now I am happy. Happy, happy, happy.

The other good news is: tomorrow I'm getting tattooed!! SNAP

Well, here's something I can talk about: FEELINGS
Something about myself that I've been spending some time analyzing. I feel things very, very strongly. I suspect more than average. It's not just certain emotions, but all of them. I've found that sometimes the intensity of my emotions is more than what seems to be appropriate for some situations. I am used to hiding it, so that's what I continue to do most times. I can be the picture of calm on the outside, but completely on fire on the inside. I am aware that it is probably not the best, to be hiding it all the time... but I am afraid of what might happen if I were to really let it out. I haven't come up with any answers... but I am starting to feel like I don't want to be calm on the outside all the time, although a lot of people probably think that this is a good trait. I firmly believe that feelings are for *feeling*, even when they're shitty, but I often find that I am feeling way more than I want to. Sometimes, it hurts to feel incapable of properly expressing myself (in part because I am often uncomfortable leaning on others). It hurts to have feelings that no one knows about but me. It sure does explain a lot about the emotional quirks of my children, however...


Anonymous said...

"be a better blogger ..." Yeah, that has a ring.

Write. I don't mean "journal" or "diary" writing, although that could be good. I mean, write stories. November is National Novel Writing Month.

Or, write songs or music; paint, draw. Something that draws on emotions.

I don't know that "expressing" feelings is as important as making something of them. Novelist/poet Margaret Atwood once told an interviewer, "I don't write to express myself. If I wanted to express myself, I could go out in the back field and scream." ;-) But there is no doubt about the emotion behind much of her writing.

There can be a challenge to changing behavior. People who know and like you the way you are sometimes don't like it when you change. When I quit drinking, there were people who tried to get me to have a beer with them. Women who go on Weight Watchers or some similar regimen often find that friends are offering them high-calorie foods to subvert "the new you."

But, I'm firmly in the camp of "Yes, you can."

Anonymous said...

I hope your tattoo experience is fun and affirming. I don't think feelings are very tidy things. Over time, we can learn to modulate them some -- while still feeling their intensity -- if we're able to accept them and accept ourselves for having them. Writing, art, and gardening help me feel them when they're raw, and then I'm able to share parts of them with others. In my 30s I realized that my feelings belonged to me, and they didn't have to be understood, processed or transformed by anyone else for them to be real.

haggardmom said...

@Michael- it's funny, another friend asked me recently if I ever wrote stories. But no, I am a horrible writer. My brain is often jumbled, like someone who has ADD. That's why I prefer journaling, because it doesn't matter. I've been doing some painting, and some beadwork.

@Cathy- I am working to let go of the notion that what other people think of my emotional state matters so much. It's hard to let go of what society drills into us, such as the notion of 'normal' relationships...