Life is Good, and You Shouldn't Judge Me For It...

Well, rather suddenly, I find myself going back to work in 4 days. Three days a week to start, because they don't really have room for me yet. It was one of those obviously meant to be things, because I contacted my old boss, and a few days later they were hiring me back over the phone. I have a bit of anxiety about some details, such as childcare, and Oh My God I Have to be Somewhere at 7 am. And also, what if I can't re-engage my brain??? But, I'm sure it will work out. And, I'll be making my own money again.

Some of the choices that have been made between The Husband and me in these recent months have led us down an unconventional path: open marriage. People can be quite judgmental, so I've been cautious about how much of this I let out at any given time... but now that things have settled, I'm starting to feel like, even though I don't really need to flaunt it, I am tired of hiding it too. Some people (in-laws) don't know, and we have no intention of telling (no, they don't read my blog). But I'm getting more comfortable talking about my life normally, or, as normal as is possible when you have a spouse *and* a boyfriend, who are aware and agreeable with one another. I love, and am loved by, two and we're happy. Now, I haven't quite figured out yet how to handle this in the office... offices are gossipy places, so while my inclination is to keep it to myself, people have a way of getting suspicious. So, we'll see how it goes. I may end up having to out myself, as it were, so if people are going to gossip about me, at least they'll have their story straight.

Life and its Unfortunate Turns...

Sometimes things seem to be going the way they should be: I am on the healing path after my mother's passing, I am cultivating a very special relationship with a new friend, I have reconnected with my spouse, my old routines are finally falling back into place (yes, I'm talking about you, laundry...), I am gladly returning to old interests (reading, art, friends) and pursuing a new one (flute). Then, apparently, The Universe decides to plant a new obstacle in the road. I just found out that my uncle has ALS. It's like the world has gone a little bit sideways...
It's really and truly horrible that:
1. Both my dad *and* his sister have been/will be robbed of their mates prematurely.
2. A man who has endured some terrible, horrible things (abuse, Vietnam, family troubles) and managed to emerge on the other side will be taken by a disease that will wreck his body but not his mind.

I mean, really, W...T...F...

Almost to the Finish Line...

Not done with the top of the lid yet, but right now, as I look at it, my brain is just... empty. Which means I need to take a break, go practice my not-very-good flute playing or something. At least the upshot is that I'll finish in time to seal it and let it set for 24 hrs. This project has taken a lot out of me, but it helps to know that it will be appreciated.

Box Progress

I'm allowing myself cautious optimism now... a big step forward from the internal panic I've been having about this project, mostly relating to whether or not I could finish it on time. However, today I was able to complete covering all of the seams and painting the inside of the box and lid. The paint is mainly just to cover some lettering that was on the back of the art board. I will probably cover the inside with paper. I ok'd the color scheme with the recipient today, since I realize I have a strong attraction myself for the colors I chose (can be a problem if you're making something that's not for you!). I'm feeling excited to move on to the next steps, and hope mightily that I can get the design in my head to translate properly into reality...

Meaningful Projects

One of the things that my mom loved to do, and was really good at, was building boxes as art pieces. I always marveled at the things that came to be under her hand.
I recently decided, quite out of the blue, to build one myself. I realized that I had a gift for a dear friend that needed a box, and somehow a plain old box or bag just didn't feel right. Of course, because we're talking about me here, I just started this project with only about a week to complete it. I've found that this project is pulling my heartstrings a bit... while I am full of hope and anticipation of the finished product (aaand maybe a little anxiety...) it makes me incredibly sad that I can't share this project with my mom. She would have been excited to see it, and she would have good advice. I hope I can honor her with a beautiful piece that is loved by the recipient.

Christmas is Creeping Up...

Yesterday, we procured our Christmas tree. It even stayed on the roof of the truck all the way home. It took all of about ten minutes to decorate... I was feeling generous so I made hot chocolate for the kids.

Afterwards, I realized that it was Sunday and Keelan had not done any of his homework. It took him nearly an *hour* to do three pages of homework. So short is his little boy attention span. And so I have his father to thank, who also has a little boy attention span still, at the age of 41...

I've been getting back into beading:


The hemp is fairly new to me... I have done knotwork in the past but with other materials. I've been making stuff like crazy, it feels like. Bead work, hemp work, crochet, painting, origami... plus two other projects I haven't started yet: an ornament and a gift box. I feel the creativity flowing, and it hasn't for a long, long time. It makes me happy.

And reading! Lots of reading... I've started the Dune series, am finishing the City of Ember series, made it halfway through Beowulf, and started listening to The Alchemist on CD. Plus, I have a couple of Phillip K Dick novels on request from the eBook library.

I am feeling a little anxiety about Christmas coming up. While I'm immensely relieved at having bowed out of most of my usual obligations this year, I still have a couple of scheduling unknowns, which bugs me. I can't do anything about it, but it still bothers me. I want to *know* what's happening and when! I do know that I'm spending Christmas day with my dad, and Christmas eve with my in-laws. Additionally, someone very dear to me has a birthday coming up, and my daughter also has a birthday. So I guess I can't totally escape the mayhem... but I do feel like I've had more say in what I'm involved in this year, which feels good.

Bah Humbug

I've been thinking a lot about this (now started) holiday season... and how so very uninterested I am in any of it. Thanksgiving day was great, because I didn't go anywhere. I'm about to attend the belated turkey dinner at my in-laws today. Frankly, if I could get out of it somehow, I probably would. But I can't, really.
And Christmas... ohhh, that's going to be the bad one. It was the one holiday that my mom really enjoyed spending with us, especially the kids. She was the one who did all the present buying and decorating at their house. Having this Christmas without her is going to be incredibly hard. So, I am doubly disinterested in my in-laws festivities. I realize I can't avoid Christmas altogether, as I have children, and it would be selfish of me to think only of myself. However, I have already told my husband that I am not attending his family's umpteen dinners/get-togethers this Christmas. I am just.not.interested. I will choose one day, either Christmas eve or Christmas day, to spend with them. The other I will spend with my dad. And that is all I want to do. He is ok with this. Whether or not his parents will grouse about it, I don't know... and it doesn't matter anyway, because I am not changing my mind. Its not that I don't like them, but they aren't my family. And while I get along great with them, I don't relate to them. We are, for the most part, polar opposites. Large group gatherings suck the life out of me, which I surely don't need this year.

And Once Again I Seem to Drop off the Map...

I really try to be a better blogger... but I can't help it. So much has changed in my life in these past few months, but so much of it is very, very personal. Some of my friends know what I'm talking about. Someday they'll all know. A lot of the stuff that I've needed to talk about has been better put on paper, where it is only read by me.

But, the good news is, right now I am happy. Happy, happy, happy.

The other good news is: tomorrow I'm getting tattooed!! SNAP

Well, here's something I can talk about: FEELINGS
Something about myself that I've been spending some time analyzing. I feel things very, very strongly. I suspect more than average. It's not just certain emotions, but all of them. I've found that sometimes the intensity of my emotions is more than what seems to be appropriate for some situations. I am used to hiding it, so that's what I continue to do most times. I can be the picture of calm on the outside, but completely on fire on the inside. I am aware that it is probably not the best, to be hiding it all the time... but I am afraid of what might happen if I were to really let it out. I haven't come up with any answers... but I am starting to feel like I don't want to be calm on the outside all the time, although a lot of people probably think that this is a good trait. I firmly believe that feelings are for *feeling*, even when they're shitty, but I often find that I am feeling way more than I want to. Sometimes, it hurts to feel incapable of properly expressing myself (in part because I am often uncomfortable leaning on others). It hurts to have feelings that no one knows about but me. It sure does explain a lot about the emotional quirks of my children, however...

What I got for Staying Out Late...

Went over to a friend's house to watch a movie. Got sidetracked. Started movie late. Had a super time! Shrugged off the late hour! Arrived home after 2 am. Received some text messages from friend. Fell asleep at 2:30. Felt oddly confident that I'd survive the day.

Crawled out of bed at 7 am to get breakfast for the kids.

Donned publicly acceptable clothing, propped my eyes open, started the drive to an 8:15 am chiropractic appointment. Drove straight into rush hour traffic. Arrived late for appointment which lasted approximately three minutes, in which the doctor said 'Carry on. Back in two weeks'. Left feeling somewhat ripped off.

Arrived home, went back to bed. Got up at 11. Still felt like no sleep had yet happened. Showered, started in on a pot of coffee (knowing full well I'd be drinking the whole thing), and braced myself for the longest. day. ever.

Decided to hoe the garden in preparation for garlic planting. Started the dishwasher. More coffee. Got on computer, bought new underwear and a fancy bra. Winced noticeably at the dollar amount. Bought anyway.

Decided I could not remain upright much longer. Put son on the DS and climbed into bed. Slept briefly, still felt shitty.

Picked daughter up from school. Felt relieved that she wanted to watch a movie when she got home and didn't have any homework.

Spent an extended period on the couch, staring into space. Pulled out 'Gladiator', decided it required too much brain function.

Decided I should probably not operate the stove today. Fed kids leftover pizza and fruit for dinner. Fed leftover chili to myself. Finish last of coffee.

Put The Boy in the bath.

Started 'Transformers 3', since it requires little attention, and started folding laundry.

Tried to be interested in something daughter was telling me about one of her stuffed toys. It's hard to focus. Put daughter in the shower.

Continue laundry folding. Boy has a cold, goes to bed on time. Thank heavens for little boys who like their sleep.

Daughter watches part of the end of 'Transformers', then goes to bed after the usual amount of dawdling.

Finally free and feeling a strong urge to vent, send text to friend. Proceed to eat chocolate and finish 'Transformers'.

Receive text from friend. Friend is busy, can't talk. Ok. Look at the time, now too late to call anyone else but too early to go to bed unless I want to wake up at 3 am. Which I don't.

Climb in bed and mope about how much I hate my husband's work schedule. Decide that moping is stupid. Read 'The Call of the Wild'. Lay in bed for a long time thinking about it and remembering that this is why I don't read before bed.

Cat is hogging the bed. Husband is making a lot of noise downstairs. Put some music on to drown it out and finally fall asleep at 1 am.

Wake up at 4 am with 'Love is not a competition (but I'm winning)' by Kaiser Chiefs stuck in my head and my phone sending me what turned out to be a Google+ alert. Got up at 7 to start another day.

Getting Personal- and Rambling!

Wow, my brain has really been working overtime lately... I haven't slept consistently for weeks. I have a tendency to overthink, which never ends well.
I'd been thinking about a blog post for a while, but was worried about how much to say. Because some of what has been on my mind concerns my spouse, I couldn't come here and say things I wouldn't say to him directly. And a lot of it *hasn't* been said to him directly... not because I don't want to, but because I still feel like not much good would come from it, just frustration and hurt feelings. I can't change who he is anyway.

Now that I'm just a few years away from 40 (eee!), and The Husband and I are hurtling toward our 11 year anniversary, I find myself sort of hyper-aware of things that are... missing. Not newly missing, but always missing. Things that I've found myself able to live with until recently. I have never wanted out of my marriage. I don't find myself wanting to be intimate with another man. It seems like what I want is *attention*. Maybe because of my age and being post two births, I've even found myself thinking 'Am I still pretty? Do men notice me? Do they just see a tired out mom?'

The week that my mom died, I started going to a massage therapist. I had wrenched my back a week prior and was in a lot of pain. It turned out that I needed a chiropractor anyway, but I felt so great after the massage that I decided to keep going. It was like a revelation. It's *real* 'me' time. Where I go and I don't talk or think about my family. Its just me. It made me realize what 'me' time really was, and it wasn't just being away from the kids. During that time, there's no self-consciousness, no worries, no real world.

From there I started realizing how I'd isolated myself... and that I *really* needed to work on my friendships, beyond just showing up for an occasional playdate. I even had the thought that I don't have male friends anymore... I have some on FB, but not really in real life. My husband has female friends, maybe I should have some male friends! I don't know, it was a random thought.

Fact is, I've married a man who is not very affectionate, and its been tolerable all these years, but now I find that I miss that terribly. I have to try to cultivate other relationships that fills that void... without becoming the 'Needy Friend'. I've been on the receiving end of that myself and I know how draining it is. I don't want to be that person. It's come to a point where the most focused attention that I get these days is a once a month appointment with the massage therapist. While I have no intention of giving *that* up anytime soon, I just can't let that be all there is. I haven't figured out all the answers yet... but at least I'm taking charge of my own problem.

Insomnia Post!

How going to get a massage is like going on a first date:

Take a shower!
No, not the granny panties.
Oh, I better shave my legs. Better do the whole leg.
Deodorant? Check
I should wear flip flops, or my feet will be sweaty.
God, I hope my feet aren't gross.
Should I put my hair up??
I forgot to trim my toenails!
Shit, I forgot to cut my fingernails too!
I'm wearing a skirt... should I wear shorts instead??



Of course, the MT probably cares nothing about any of these things.

Waiting... Waiting...

We're on the edge of mom passing now, so I find myself in the unenviable position of sitting around waiting for 'The Call'. Although, to be blunt, I would rather be waiting for The Call at home than sitting in my parents' house staring at her, waiting for her to die. Which is what I've spent the last three days doing. That is far more weird and uncomfortable to me. My dad has been adamant that he wants to be holding her hand at The End, but I sure don't. I have made peace with what has happened, and my mom knows I love her, so I just don't need the image of her last gasp recorded in my memory. The person she was is gone now (and not suffering), all that's left is the barely breathing shell...

On a slightly less depressing note, I spent some time out in the garden today, trying to fix my tomato plants. They all got too tall and too heavy with fruit for the system of wires I had set up to hold them. Especially the bigger tomatoes, the Brandywine, Cherokee Purple, and Black Prince. The Brandywine nearly snapped off under the weight, and I lost 3 unripe Black Princes while I was trying to disentangle the plant from its neighbor. I had two sections of trellis that stick in the ground, so I hammered those in and did my best to tie the tomatoes to them. Hopefully they will recover. Particularly the Brandywine, which suffered the most damage to its main stalks.

Life Continues to Move Forward...

Despite my best efforts. ;-)
I really ought to blog more, as it would get some crap off my chest... but my brain is not firing on all cylinders most of the time. So there's my out, right there.

My mom has been on hospice for about a week and a half now... my dad, of course, is starting to bitch about the hospice people. I think it doesn't really have much to do with the individuals themselves, and more to do with the fact that now they have all these people going in and out of the house almost every day. Probably he should ask about consolidating, so maybe the nurse and the bath aide can come on the same day or something. At any rate, she's regressing pretty fast, so I am unsure how long all this is going to go on anyway.

I threw my lower back out (out with the trash, I tell you!) yesterday, moving a damn desk chair, of all things. A heavy, metal, Army-issue desk chair. I moved it to reach a large spider that was in my daughter's closet. When I went to get *on* the chair, my lower back muscles seized in revolt. And I still had to get on the chair and deal with the spider, whilst not screaming. Then, I discovered that there was NO IBUPROFEN. So I had a swig of liquid children's Tylenol. I laid on the bed for awhile, but the Tylenol did zip. So I crept out of bed and got the heating pad... O glorious heating pad! I texted the trainer whose class I work out in at the gym and she advised I should be laying on an ice pack. On the floor. In front of the couch, with my feet up on it. So, reluctantly I left my heating pad and went for the lumpy bag of ice instead. On the floor of the living room, where I noticed the carpet smells like pee. Super. So I ended up alternating a few times with the heating pad and ice, and The Husband came home early and also found some ibuprofen in the garage. With that I was able to get comfy enough on the couch to watch 'Wonders of the Universe'. Prof Brian Cox= luv
I also had an herbal supplement that was prescribed to me when my neck was out... its a sleep supplement combined with musculoskeletal support. So I took two of those before bed, and would have slept nicely, except The Boy woke me up at 4 am after a nightmare and insisted on sleeping with us.
Today, the pain is less, but it feels like there's a rock in my lower back. Which is unpleasant feeling.

Today's tomato yield: two cherry tomatoes. One San Marzano is almost ripe, one Cherokee Purple is just starting to ripen.
Still wondering why my onions aren't growing... they've been the same size for months. I guess its not going to be a banner season for onions.

Ack... back hurts. Time to get out of this chair.

Clinging to Positive Garden Thoughts...

Stuff *is* actually growing, although not all the things I'd hoped. At the very least, a few potatoes and a sea of green tomatoes.

I Want to Relax!

Ugh! It sure feels like we've been running around a lot lately. I hope when Coralie is out of school, there will be less stuff going on. At least it won't be school related.

I went to the nursery yesterday and got a few things for the yard... I am so tired of seeing nothing but foliage and mud, so I got some flowers. Some snapdragons, and some penstemon and creeping jenny for the gap between the fence and the retaining wall. I also got a hardy fuchsia. I am still grieving the loss of my honeysuckle, and haven't yet built up the courage to cut the dead plant down. Besides, I can't move the blueberries there until they go dormant anyway.

Visited my mom today. It was a good visit... as good as it can be, anyway. She's so puffy from the steroids, and still bald from the chemo. She looks like a Podling. She has some joke glasses that are round with very thick magnifying glass lenses... she put them on and exclaimed, 'I look like Magoo!' We had a good laugh. She's going to give me her sewing machine, which is a very nice one, a Viking, I think. A lot of her fabric stash will also come to me. I am excited about it, but also sad that she's lost the ability to do something she really loved. I hope I can improve my own sewing skills, and honor her decision to let me have these things.

A Hint of Spring...

I got my tomato starts this week. I decided to go ahead and put them in the ground, mostly because I'm lazy and I didn't really want to transplant them twice. I did some reading, and there seems to be some disagreement regarding how much cold a tomato can tolerate. Since it's still getting down into the high 30's at night, I went ahead and threw a cover over the tomatoes. Better safe than sorry.
The seeds I planted seem to be struggling a bit... some of them came up, but I think the chilly nights are probably slowing their growth. The peas are doing ok, 4 are up so far. At least the problems I'm having are just weather related, and not wildlife. Getting the bird netting over the garden straight away seems to have stopped any critters digging there.
I started thinking about the wild blackberries that invade our yard from the neighbors every year... I really hate them, but my kids do like the berries. Since I decided I didn't really want to fiddle with a cane berry, I didn't get any blackberry plants from the CSA last year. So I put a tomato cage over where the wild blackberry is coming up in the back of the yard, and I'll see if I can keep it confined to that area and at least get some berries for the kids. I mean, they're free, right?
My tree peony is leafing out nicely, which is a huge relief. I didn't know how it would feel about being moved, but it seems to have settled in ok.

Things are getting weird in my mom's situation... they had a disagreement with my aunt, so she left in a huff. My mom is starting to withdraw, so my dad has taken that and sprinted with it. He now says they don't need anyone around, they don't want anyone around, and they don't care what anyone else thinks. I have not tried yet to tell my dad that withdrawal from family and friends is part of the dying process, and that its not fair to cut themselves off from other people who love them. I believe completely that their heads hear what the doctors and the statistics say, but their hearts do not accept. It's a strange thing... not outright denial, but they have not reached a point of acceptance yet. There's really no right answer, I can't say for sure that I wouldn't do the same thing. One thing is for sure, I am *not* going to take sides, and I am *not* getting involved in the drama.

Mixed Feelings...

So we've found out this past week that my mom's cancer treatment did absolutely nothing. All that fuss for... zip. Now all we're left with is hospice, or a newer treatment which will not get rid of the tumor but *might* buy her a few months of time (it's called Avastin). My dad and I don't really totally agree on whether or not we should do this other treatment... personally, I don't think its worth the risks (bleeding, death, and a lot of other non-fatal things) for not much gain, but my dad wants to do it, and I think that's ok too. He's really struggling now, and I think that he's so desperate for even a little more time with her, this treatment seems harmless. We don't agree on what her quality of life is now, although I think that its because we have different ideas of what 'quality of life' means. He sees that she's not having pain, and that she seems comfortable and not in distress, and so for him this is a good quality of life. I see that she is completely dependent on others, has lost the ability to do any of the things she loves, and her brain is constantly misfiring... this is not quality of life, to me. I don't believe for a moment that if she suddenly became totally lucid she would say, 'I don't mind living this way'. Even so, its true that she's not in any pain, and she does get some enjoyment out of interactions with family. So, there's that... I don't have any negative feelings about my dad wanting to go forward with the Avastin, if he decides to... more than anything, I don't want either of them to have any regrets about their treatment choices. So if that means trying *all* avenues, so be it.

Sorry Trees...

The tree removal people came and felled the third and final tree I slated for removal from our yard today. I still have somewhat mixed feelings about it, because I love trees, and it wasn't the trees' fault the previous homeowner made the ill-fated decision to put them there. Even so, because I actually want to grow things besides moss in my yard, the trees had to go. So even though I was sad about having to cut the trees down, I am excited for all my other plants to get their sunny due. The guys felling the tree did step on two of my plants, but I don't think either was permanently damaged.

AND... I think one of my onion seeds is sprouting! Yay! That makes two peas and an onion. I planted one currant tomato indoors, and it has sprouted also. I was contemplating what to do about tomatoes this year, as I do not have a good space indoors to do seeds, but the answer presented itself in the form of a plant sale at my son's school. Which happened to include an heirloom tomato sampler. So that just left the currant tomato, which I started on the kitchen windowsill. So I guess so far this years gardening news isn't *all* bad... although a break in the rain would be so nice... and why is my weather widget predicting snow tomorrow?! WTF??

Boo...

I had to take my little elderly cat to the vet today... we've been having trouble with her vomiting for the past four days or so. So, the vet took a blood and urine sample. He put her on a special gastrointestinal diet, and gave her a huge dose of subcutaneous fluid. They trimmed her nails for me, because they had gotten so long one was starting to grow into the pad of her foot, and she won't let me anywhere near her nails at home. The vet was concerned that her kidneys felt small, and so there might have been a change in her kidney function. Hence, the lab work. He said that shrunken kidneys would not be uncommon at her age (15). Despite knowing that all of this could mean nothing, and her labs could all be within normal, and that she's old, and when you're old, stuff just stops working... hasn't really kept me from feeling irrationally sad about all of it today... and its not like I've never thought about her dying, but I guess when a health issue crops up it gives you a rude reminder. Sort of like what has been going on with my mom, I suppose. It is still upsetting to me, knowing that I will lose my little cat someday... she's been my little neurotic friend for 13 of her 15 years. It's hard to imagine what my home will be like without her.

One...

Went out to check on the garden today... of all the seed I've planted, one, single pea has sprouted. So I guess if all the rest fails, I'll have one pea.