Down, Down, Up, Down, Up....

The past week has been one of the most emotionally trying weeks I've had since my mom was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer.
So many tears have been shed... we've talked, and talked, and talked... some things that hadn't been said were finally said. Though, it still felt like we were going in circles, talking about things over and over without feeling any sense of resolution, or movement towards resolution. His fear and unhappiness that he'd hurt me caused N to proclaim monogamy, despite his ongoing struggle with it. I had the irrational thought that I was just going to tell him, 'Fuck it. Do what you want and I'll deal with it somehow.' Because I could see how unhappy he was.
Sometimes, when you're deeply upset about something, it can trigger the surfacing of other pain, which is exactly what happened to N. Years of pent up grief (relating to other events in his past) that came out in a rush over the course of a day. As is the usual case with me, I shelved my own emotions so I could just be present for him... it was painful for me to see him like that, even though I knew it was necessary. I did cry about it later, after he'd gone to work. I felt some anger, anger that he's felt forced to carry all this baggage for all these years because he didn't have a safe place to release it. But, at least it's being dealt with now. And I can tell he's better. *Now* I can feel that our talks about the other stuff are finally getting somewhere.  The discussion of monogamy will be ongoing, I think, but he's decided that he's going to give it a go, especially as he works through some of his own issues relating to sex and relationships.
The other thing that happened as part of all this was a full verbal disclosure of our feelings for one another, which was a scary thing to do. Especially as we acknowledge the full extent of our attachment to one another, which is deep and intense in a way that I can't explain to people. We have really, really big feelings for one another. I'm not so naive that I don't know that many relationships aren't forever, but I know with absolute certainty that if I lost him, a part of me would be broken forever, even as my life moved forward, and he feels the same.
One of the things I had to acknowledge, which took me some time to see, was that his interest in getting involved with another woman really shook my sense of security. Even though I never questioned his feelings for me, and I knew that this desire of his wasn't because of me, I still felt suddenly like here was this thing that could bring all sorts of complications and pain, and for what? Sex? And what happens when someone's expectations change? What happens when she wants more of him than he can give? So many considerations... and perhaps it will be me who moves to a place of acceptance, who knows.
Another thing, was the fact that neither of us had really thought about how our relationship changed after we moved in together. It *does* change things, even if you don't recognize it at first. And that might have been the thing that triggered my change my change of heart regarding extracurricular activities, something I didn't even think about until I was faced with it.
These past few days, it has felt really important for us for us to spend time together, not just for Relationship Discussions, but just talking and enjoying each others company. Yesterday was the first day where I felt like things were moving toward a normal place. Or, at least a more emotionally stable one. I feel my sense of security moving back into place (it's an illusion, but it's there).

Not Quite How I Envisioned Things...

It was today that N, tentatively but with obvious excitement that he had met someone. As in, someone else. And truthfully, I saw it coming, so it wasn't entirely surprising. So, here comes the test of this open relationship business. What rushed in first was sadness. Extreme sadness. Followed by pretty much everything else you can think of. I could feel myself turning inward, snapping shut like a steel trap... because I suddenly felt like I might completely lose my composure. He could tell something was wrong, and I couldn't even articulate any of it. Ultimately, I had to just get out of the apartment... I know that my reaction was hurtful to him, but I couldn't help it at the time. How I feel about it is complicated, and not how I had hoped or wanted to feel about it at all. And now I feel like a liar. My stance has always been that I couldn't guarantee one way or another how I would feel about it (until it happened), but that I would never have him be trapped in his relationship with me, nor would I tell him what he can and can't do within it. I still feel that way, but it is now obvious that if I *can't* live with it then either he doesn't pursue any other relationships based on me getting upset, or he does and we break up. Neither are particularly awesome outcomes. Both are hurtful to both of us.*sigh*

I *want* it to be ok... I *want* to be happy for him, but right now, I'm just not.

Hello!

So much has happened in these last months... some days I still struggle to shoulder the stress, as my boyfriend and I now live together in his small apartment, while I drive back and forth to see my kids, until we can get a bigger apartment. It still feels like the right decision, because I had come to a place where the house just wasn't home anymore. N decided his home should be my home too, and so the decision was made. I'm still in the process of moving stuff out of the house, most of which will go into storage, because we don't have room in the apartment for much. Every night I feel glad to come home, and I'm so happy to see N at the end of the day. I do miss some of my things...

There's some ongoing stuff with N and his ex, but so far we're handling it. I feel like the stuff that happens between those two is probably not really outside the norm considering the toxicity of their relationship, and I suppose it will always be that way to some degree. Sad, but it is what it is, and we're all trying to move forward. Despite the baggage that comes with that relationship, N and I both feel incredibly grateful to have a healthy, stable relationship in which we both feel safe. It helps to remember that when stress levels are high.

Work is evolving... new tasks are being added, some better than others. I've had some mighty tedious days lately, but being busy is always better than not having enough to do. Some days I feel such frustration at office politics, but all offices have it, and I don't think this one is worse than any other.

Not sure yet how divorce proceedings will be... B is now dating someone and so is (finally) somewhat motivated to get things going, but he still hasn't made an effort to schedule time with me to pull together our respective financials for the attorney, which has to happen before he can file. And the parenting class is going to be an expensive pain in the ass, once that B is not even going to be able to do, because of his work schedule. I told him he should ask his attorney to request a waiver, or permission to use another program.
I still have this feeling I'm going to have to frequently remind him to do things, relating to the divorce...

Again, Absentee Blogger

Since I've been keeping a paper journal, I haven't been posting here as much... I feel like I've vented enough there now, and things have settled here enough, that I feel like I might be able to pull out a coherent blog post! Oh, snap!
It is probable that I will be experiencing divorce sometime this year... although at the very least my ex will be moving out sometime this summer (such is the plan, anyway). Whether or not he follows through with the filing... remains to be seen. Telling him that I no longer wished to be a couple is probably one of the scariest things I've ever done, and so long overdue. I will always carry some guilt for hurting him, but the truth of the matter is that we are really not compatible as a couple. We get along okay, but the things that are important to a romantic relationship just aren't there, and we are too different in that respect. I am a very emotional person, and he is incredibly emotionally stunted. He's appallingly good at hiding his feelings. For too many years I've tried to force myself onto the same path, and it only ended in misery.
The kids are aware that their dad is going to move, but only Coralie really knows about the divorce part. Keelan is starting to ask why his dad is getting another house, and I'm still trying to formulate an age-appropriate explanation for him.
I know that at least some of the people who are aware that we had an open marriage for awhile would probably jump to the conclusion that either I'm leaving him for another man, or that being open caused our marriage to fail, neither of which is true. The issues within my marriage are long standing... and I knew before the idea of being open came up that my marriage was probably going to end, but I didn't know when. It is probably true that being open hurried things along some, because once I became involved with someone who is completely and totally compatible with me, it made me see how a romantic relationship is *supposed* to be. And how much was very wrong in my marriage. I had hoped that getting my physical/emotional needs met elsewhere might help me adjust my expectations of my spouse, but it didn't work that way.

I expect some bumps, as far as the kids are concerned... my ex and I are trying to be very sensitive to them during this time. We both want to keep their access to him as close to what it is now as is possible. The plan is for him to find a place to live close by, so that he can still come in the mornings and take them to school, and they can see him when they want.

Since all this came about, my boyfriend and I have become more serious... although we are still open, we've both expressed that the desire to date others has waned. I think what's important to both of us is that the *option* is there. Neither of us feels trapped. I could probably spend a lot of time here fawning over him. But I won't. Suffice to say, getting involved with him is one of the best choices I've ever made, next to my kids. We are very alike. We are both dealing with failed marriages, and we each provide a healing, safe haven for the other. We have many of the same interests, we think alike, and our personalities are similar. And what do you know? My libido came back!

It's likely that he will move in with us at some juncture... Coralie is aware of this, and seems okay with it. I've explained that I'm not replacing her dad, and that I don't expect her to call him that or even think of him as such. Both of my kids like him very much, and I don't want to wreck that by trying to apply labels.

So that a bit of my life in a nutshell.

Tired

Its been a while since I moved out of the bedroom and into my own room. We've started the (probably trying) process of starting to separate some things. We're trying to agree on who gets which car. I've asked him to start calling to switch over the utilities. Soon we'll go to the bank and refinance the house to get me added to the mortgage. All these things feel natural and normal.
The thing that's getting annoying is dealing with people's reactions to the news that we are not going to stay married. Some have been appropriately mum, or politely questioning. Others, however, are oddly judgmental or horrified. Why is it so hard for people to get that we just don't want to be a couple anymore?? There's no animosity. No fighting. Some people have been pushing us to 'fix' it. There's nothing to 'fix'. I'm not broken. He's not broken. We just aren't right for each other. You can't fix that. My in-laws think I must be depressed. They were totally perplexed when The Husband told them he was happier. I suppose that most people's experiences with separation and divorce are such that it automatically means something horrible. So I am getting a little tired of trying to explain myself. I'm fine. He's fine. The kids are fine. You just can't argue with that. (Well, I guess you can... but some people will argue anything...)

Hoping...

I sense that things will be evening out soon. All the necessary family members have been notified (and my mother-in-law will make sure that all the unnecessary ones will know too). The Husband and I agreed that it would be wise to add my name to the mortgage, so that I can assume the payments on the house. He'd like to find a place to rent/buy nearby. I'm not sure how he'd manage to buy another place... he doesn't have any down payment money. Unless his folks help him out. I'm not pushing him out. It does seem like things are evolving on their own in that direction, which I'm comfortable with. He may be ready for his own place sooner rather than later, which is totally okay.

Unexpectedly, I have had the topic of co-habitation come up in my other relationship recently. Which is interesting, because it has been a bit of a 'no-no' subject for a number of reasons besides the obvious one. I'm eternally grateful that he and I can talk about it without expectations or other awkwardness. I am also glad that current circumstances prevent us from making any rash decisions on the matter... because while it is tempting to live with someone because it is mutually financially beneficial to do so, when that someone is your significant other, that is the wrong, wrong reason to move in together.

I opened up my own checking account today... I have a preliminary plan to have part of my paycheck transferred to this account, so I can start gauging how much its going to cost me to stay in this house and what services I can and can't keep. It also occurred to me today that I'm going to have to get our cell phones separated at some point... not sure how that works, but it shouldn't be too complicated.

I feel anxious and cautiously optimistic about how things are going...

Beginning a New Journey

The Husband and I have changed our relationship status from 'married couple' to 'platonic'. I guess we're separating, in a manner of speaking, but neither of us is moving out of the house. I've been in the process of moving myself into the family room and remaking it into a sort of multipurpose bedroom.
I feel okay about this decision. I know that there will be ups and downs, and I don't really know where the path will lead. But it feels okay. I don't want pity from people... we don't hate each other. We're just not right for one another.
I've been surprised by the number of people who seem perplexed by this arrangement. I guess they haven't had the chance to actually look at what's involved with filing for divorce (if you're going to do it yourself). Most importantly, though, we're trying to do what feels right for our children. And me taking them out of their home and moving into an apartment that I can't afford is not it.
Taking some steps away and not viewing my husband as my husband anymore has shown me some things... some of the ways that I've fucked our relationship up over the years. It reinforced my belief that we just can't really make it fly as a couple. Not in a healthy way. Our respective personality types have allowed us to sort of fudge it all these years, but all the while I have been hurting him terribly without even knowing it. (For his part, he never said anything to me about it until very recently) Having a second relationship that actually *works* the way its supposed to also made all the things that weren't in my marriage glaringly obvious. And no, I am not leaving one man for another. I have none of those kind of plans, and my other relationship isn't the kind where we make future plans, anyway. Which is quite freeing, actually, not to have those kind of expectations.

Husband took off his wedding ring today... kind of a sad milestone...