Haggard Mom

Life is Good, and You Shouldn't Judge Me For It...

2012-01-26T11:37:00.000-08:00

Well, rather suddenly, I find myself going back to work in 4 days. Three days a week to start, because they don't really have room for me yet. It was one of those obviously meant to be things, because I contacted my old boss, and a few days later they were hiring me back over the phone. I have a bit of anxiety about some details, such as childcare, and Oh My God I Have to be Somewhere at 7 am. And also, what if I can't re-engage my brain??? But, I'm sure it will work out. And, I'll be making my own money again.

Some of the choices that have been made between The Husband and me in these recent months have led us down an unconventional path: open marriage. People can be quite judgmental, so I've been cautious about how much of this I let out at any given time... but now that things have settled, I'm starting to feel like, even though I don't really need to flaunt it, I am tired of hiding it too. Some people (in-laws) don't know, and we have no intention of telling (no, they don't read my blog). But I'm getting more comfortable talking about my life normally, or, as normal as is possible when you have a spouse *and* a boyfriend, who are aware and agreeable with one another. I love, and am loved by, two and we're happy. Now, I haven't quite figured out yet how to handle this in the office... offices are gossipy places, so while my inclination is to keep it to myself, people have a way of getting suspicious. So, we'll see how it goes. I may end up having to out myself, as it were, so if people are going to gossip about me, at least they'll have their story straight.

Life and its Unfortunate Turns...

2011-12-30T20:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes things seem to be going the way they should be: I am on the healing path after my mother's passing, I am cultivating a very special relationship with a new friend, I have reconnected with my spouse, my old routines are finally falling back into place (yes, I'm talking about you, laundry...), I am gladly returning to old interests (reading, art, friends) and pursuing a new one (flute). Then, apparently, The Universe decides to plant a new obstacle in the road. I just found out that my uncle has ALS. It's like the world has gone a little bit sideways...
It's really and truly horrible that:
1. Both my dad *and* his sister have been/will be robbed of their mates prematurely.
2. A man who has endured some terrible, horrible things (abuse, Vietnam, family troubles) and managed to emerge on the other side will be taken by a disease that will wreck his body but not his mind.

I mean, really, W...T...F...

Almost to the Finish Line...

2011-12-22T19:29:00.001-08:00

Not done with the top of the lid yet, but right now, as I look at it, my brain is just... empty. Which means I need to take a break, go practice my not-very-good flute playing or something. At least the upshot is that I'll finish in time to seal it and let it set for 24 hrs. This project has taken a lot out of me, but it helps to know that it will be appreciated.

Box Progress

2011-12-18T19:38:00.001-08:00

I'm allowing myself cautious optimism now... a big step forward from the internal panic I've been having about this project, mostly relating to whether or not I could finish it on time. However, today I was able to complete covering all of the seams and painting the inside of the box and lid. The paint is mainly just to cover some lettering that was on the back of the art board. I will probably cover the inside with paper. I ok'd the color scheme with the recipient today, since I realize I have a strong attraction myself for the colors I chose (can be a problem if you're making something that's not for you!). I'm feeling excited to move on to the next steps, and hope mightily that I can get the design in my head to translate properly into reality...

Meaningful Projects

2011-12-16T12:26:00.000-08:00

One of the things that my mom loved to do, and was really good at, was building boxes as art pieces. I always marveled at the things that came to be under her hand.
I recently decided, quite out of the blue, to build one myself. I realized that I had a gift for a dear friend that needed a box, and somehow a plain old box or bag just didn't feel right. Of course, because we're talking about me here, I just started this project with only about a week to complete it. I've found that this project is pulling my heartstrings a bit... while I am full of hope and anticipation of the finished product (aaand maybe a little anxiety...) it makes me incredibly sad that I can't share this project with my mom. She would have been excited to see it, and she would have good advice. I hope I can honor her with a beautiful piece that is loved by the recipient.

Christmas is Creeping Up...

2011-12-12T11:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, we procured our Christmas tree. It even stayed on the roof of the truck all the way home. It took all of about ten minutes to decorate... I was feeling generous so I made hot chocolate for the kids.

Afterwards, I realized that it was Sunday and Keelan had not done any of his homework. It took him nearly an *hour* to do three pages of homework. So short is his little boy attention span. And so I have his father to thank, who also has a little boy attention span still, at the age of 41...

I've been getting back into beading:

The hemp is fairly new to me... I have done knotwork in the past but with other materials. I've been making stuff like crazy, it feels like. Bead work, hemp work, crochet, painting, origami... plus two other projects I haven't started yet: an ornament and a gift box. I feel the creativity flowing, and it hasn't for a long, long time. It makes me happy.

And reading! Lots of reading... I've started the Dune series, am finishing the City of Ember series, made it halfway through Beowulf, and started listening to The Alchemist on CD. Plus, I have a couple of Phillip K Dick novels on request from the eBook library.

I am feeling a little anxiety about Christmas coming up. While I'm immensely relieved at having bowed out of most of my usual obligations this year, I still have a couple of scheduling unknowns, which bugs me. I can't do anything about it, but it still bothers me. I want to *know* what's happening and when! I do know that I'm spending Christmas day with my dad, and Christmas eve with my in-laws. Additionally, someone very dear to me has a birthday coming up, and my daughter also has a birthday. So I guess I can't totally escape the mayhem... but I do feel like I've had more say in what I'm involved in this year, which feels good.

Bah Humbug

2011-11-26T12:55:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about this (now started) holiday season... and how so very uninterested I am in any of it. Thanksgiving day was great, because I didn't go anywhere. I'm about to attend the belated turkey dinner at my in-laws today. Frankly, if I could get out of it somehow, I probably would. But I can't, really.
And Christmas... ohhh, that's going to be the bad one. It was the one holiday that my mom really enjoyed spending with us, especially the kids. She was the one who did all the present buying and decorating at their house. Having this Christmas without her is going to be incredibly hard. So, I am doubly disinterested in my in-laws festivities. I realize I can't avoid Christmas altogether, as I have children, and it would be selfish of me to think only of myself. However, I have already told my husband that I am not attending his family's umpteen dinners/get-togethers this Christmas. I am just.not.interested. I will choose one day, either Christmas eve or Christmas day, to spend with them. The other I will spend with my dad. And that is all I want to do. He is ok with this. Whether or not his parents will grouse about it, I don't know... and it doesn't matter anyway, because I am not changing my mind. Its not that I don't like them, but they aren't my family. And while I get along great with them, I don't relate to them. We are, for the most part, polar opposites. Large group gatherings suck the life out of me, which I surely don't need this year.

And Once Again I Seem to Drop off the Map...

2011-11-10T20:30:00.000-08:00

I really try to be a better blogger... but I can't help it. So much has changed in my life in these past few months, but so much of it is very, very personal. Some of my friends know what I'm talking about. Someday they'll all know. A lot of the stuff that I've needed to talk about has been better put on paper, where it is only read by me.

But, the good news is, right now I am happy. Happy, happy, happy.

The other good news is: tomorrow I'm getting tattooed!! SNAP

Well, here's something I can talk about: FEELINGS
Something about myself that I've been spending some time analyzing. I feel things very, very strongly. I suspect more than average. It's not just certain emotions, but all of them. I've found that sometimes the intensity of my emotions is more than what seems to be appropriate for some situations. I am used to hiding it, so that's what I continue to do most times. I can be the picture of calm on the outside, but completely on fire on the inside. I am aware that it is probably not the best, to be hiding it all the time... but I am afraid of what might happen if I were to really let it out. I haven't come up with any answers... but I am starting to feel like I don't want to be calm on the outside all the time, although a lot of people probably think that this is a good trait. I firmly believe that feelings are for *feeling*, even when they're shitty, but I often find that I am feeling way more than I want to. Sometimes, it hurts to feel incapable of properly expressing myself (in part because I am often uncomfortable leaning on others). It hurts to have feelings that no one knows about but me. It sure does explain a lot about the emotional quirks of my children, however...

What I got for Staying Out Late...

2011-10-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

Went over to a friend's house to watch a movie. Got sidetracked. Started movie late. Had a super time! Shrugged off the late hour! Arrived home after 2 am. Received some text messages from friend. Fell asleep at 2:30. Felt oddly confident that I'd survive the day.

Crawled out of bed at 7 am to get breakfast for the kids.

Donned publicly acceptable clothing, propped my eyes open, started the drive to an 8:15 am chiropractic appointment. Drove straight into rush hour traffic. Arrived late for appointment which lasted approximately three minutes, in which the doctor said 'Carry on. Back in two weeks'. Left feeling somewhat ripped off.

Arrived home, went back to bed. Got up at 11. Still felt like no sleep had yet happened. Showered, started in on a pot of coffee (knowing full well I'd be drinking the whole thing), and braced myself for the longest. day. ever.

Decided to hoe the garden in preparation for garlic planting. Started the dishwasher. More coffee. Got on computer, bought new underwear and a fancy bra. Winced noticeably at the dollar amount. Bought anyway.

Decided I could not remain upright much longer. Put son on the DS and climbed into bed. Slept briefly, still felt shitty.

Picked daughter up from school. Felt relieved that she wanted to watch a movie when she got home and didn't have any homework.

Spent an extended period on the couch, staring into space. Pulled out 'Gladiator', decided it required too much brain function.

Decided I should probably not operate the stove today. Fed kids leftover pizza and fruit for dinner. Fed leftover chili to myself. Finish last of coffee.

Put The Boy in the bath.

Started 'Transformers 3', since it requires little attention, and started folding laundry.

Tried to be interested in something daughter was telling me about one of her stuffed toys. It's hard to focus. Put daughter in the shower.

Continue laundry folding. Boy has a cold, goes to bed on time. Thank heavens for little boys who like their sleep.

Daughter watches part of the end of 'Transformers', then goes to bed after the usual amount of dawdling.

Finally free and feeling a strong urge to vent, send text to friend. Proceed to eat chocolate and finish 'Transformers'.

Receive text from friend. Friend is busy, can't talk. Ok. Look at the time, now too late to call anyone else but too early to go to bed unless I want to wake up at 3 am. Which I don't.

Climb in bed and mope about how much I hate my husband's work schedule. Decide that moping is stupid. Read 'The Call of the Wild'. Lay in bed for a long time thinking about it and remembering that this is why I don't read before bed.

Cat is hogging the bed. Husband is making a lot of noise downstairs. Put some music on to drown it out and finally fall asleep at 1 am.

Wake up at 4 am with 'Love is not a competition (but I'm winning)' by Kaiser Chiefs stuck in my head and my phone sending me what turned out to be a Google+ alert. Got up at 7 to start another day.

Getting Personal- and Rambling!

2011-09-11T11:55:00.000-07:00

Wow, my brain has really been working overtime lately... I haven't slept consistently for weeks. I have a tendency to overthink, which never ends well.
I'd been thinking about a blog post for a while, but was worried about how much to say. Because some of what has been on my mind concerns my spouse, I couldn't come here and say things I wouldn't say to him directly. And a lot of it *hasn't* been said to him directly... not because I don't want to, but because I still feel like not much good would come from it, just frustration and hurt feelings. I can't change who he is anyway.

Now that I'm just a few years away from 40 (eee!), and The Husband and I are hurtling toward our 11 year anniversary, I find myself sort of hyper-aware of things that are... missing. Not newly missing, but always missing. Things that I've found myself able to live with until recently. I have never wanted out of my marriage. I don't find myself wanting to be intimate with another man. It seems like what I want is *attention*. Maybe because of my age and being post two births, I've even found myself thinking 'Am I still pretty? Do men notice me? Do they just see a tired out mom?'

The week that my mom died, I started going to a massage therapist. I had wrenched my back a week prior and was in a lot of pain. It turned out that I needed a chiropractor anyway, but I felt so great after the massage that I decided to keep going. It was like a revelation. It's *real* 'me' time. Where I go and I don't talk or think about my family. Its just me. It made me realize what 'me' time really was, and it wasn't just being away from the kids. During that time, there's no self-consciousness, no worries, no real world.

From there I started realizing how I'd isolated myself... and that I *really* needed to work on my friendships, beyond just showing up for an occasional playdate. I even had the thought that I don't have male friends anymore... I have some on FB, but not really in real life. My husband has female friends, maybe I should have some male friends! I don't know, it was a random thought.

Fact is, I've married a man who is not very affectionate, and its been tolerable all these years, but now I find that I miss that terribly. I have to try to cultivate other relationships that fills that void... without becoming the 'Needy Friend'. I've been on the receiving end of that myself and I know how draining it is. I don't want to be that person. It's come to a point where the most focused attention that I get these days is a once a month appointment with the massage therapist. While I have no intention of giving *that* up anytime soon, I just can't let that be all there is. I haven't figured out all the answers yet... but at least I'm taking charge of my own problem.

Insomnia Post!

2011-08-19T03:27:00.000-07:00

How going to get a massage is like going on a first date:

Take a shower!
No, not the granny panties.
Oh, I better shave my legs. Better do the whole leg.
Deodorant? Check
I should wear flip flops, or my feet will be sweaty.
God, I hope my feet aren't gross.
Should I put my hair up??
I forgot to trim my toenails!
Shit, I forgot to cut my fingernails too!
I'm wearing a skirt... should I wear shorts instead??

Of course, the MT probably cares nothing about any of these things.

Waiting... Waiting...

2011-08-16T19:04:00.000-07:00

We're on the edge of mom passing now, so I find myself in the unenviable position of sitting around waiting for 'The Call'. Although, to be blunt, I would rather be waiting for The Call at home than sitting in my parents' house staring at her, waiting for her to die. Which is what I've spent the last three days doing. That is far more weird and uncomfortable to me. My dad has been adamant that he wants to be holding her hand at The End, but I sure don't. I have made peace with what has happened, and my mom knows I love her, so I just don't need the image of her last gasp recorded in my memory. The person she was is gone now (and not suffering), all that's left is the barely breathing shell...

On a slightly less depressing note, I spent some time out in the garden today, trying to fix my tomato plants. They all got too tall and too heavy with fruit for the system of wires I had set up to hold them. Especially the bigger tomatoes, the Brandywine, Cherokee Purple, and Black Prince. The Brandywine nearly snapped off under the weight, and I lost 3 unripe Black Princes while I was trying to disentangle the plant from its neighbor. I had two sections of trellis that stick in the ground, so I hammered those in and did my best to tie the tomatoes to them. Hopefully they will recover. Particularly the Brandywine, which suffered the most damage to its main stalks.

Life Continues to Move Forward...

2011-08-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

Despite my best efforts. ;-)
I really ought to blog more, as it would get some crap off my chest... but my brain is not firing on all cylinders most of the time. So there's my out, right there.

My mom has been on hospice for about a week and a half now... my dad, of course, is starting to bitch about the hospice people. I think it doesn't really have much to do with the individuals themselves, and more to do with the fact that now they have all these people going in and out of the house almost every day. Probably he should ask about consolidating, so maybe the nurse and the bath aide can come on the same day or something. At any rate, she's regressing pretty fast, so I am unsure how long all this is going to go on anyway.

I threw my lower back out (out with the trash, I tell you!) yesterday, moving a damn desk chair, of all things. A heavy, metal, Army-issue desk chair. I moved it to reach a large spider that was in my daughter's closet. When I went to get *on* the chair, my lower back muscles seized in revolt. And I still had to get on the chair and deal with the spider, whilst not screaming. Then, I discovered that there was NO IBUPROFEN. So I had a swig of liquid children's Tylenol. I laid on the bed for awhile, but the Tylenol did zip. So I crept out of bed and got the heating pad... O glorious heating pad! I texted the trainer whose class I work out in at the gym and she advised I should be laying on an ice pack. On the floor. In front of the couch, with my feet up on it. So, reluctantly I left my heating pad and went for the lumpy bag of ice instead. On the floor of the living room, where I noticed the carpet smells like pee. Super. So I ended up alternating a few times with the heating pad and ice, and The Husband came home early and also found some ibuprofen in the garage. With that I was able to get comfy enough on the couch to watch 'Wonders of the Universe'. Prof Brian Cox= luv
I also had an herbal supplement that was prescribed to me when my neck was out... its a sleep supplement combined with musculoskeletal support. So I took two of those before bed, and would have slept nicely, except The Boy woke me up at 4 am after a nightmare and insisted on sleeping with us.
Today, the pain is less, but it feels like there's a rock in my lower back. Which is unpleasant feeling.

Today's tomato yield: two cherry tomatoes. One San Marzano is almost ripe, one Cherokee Purple is just starting to ripen.
Still wondering why my onions aren't growing... they've been the same size for months. I guess its not going to be a banner season for onions.

Ack... back hurts. Time to get out of this chair.

Clinging to Positive Garden Thoughts...

2011-07-20T16:10:00.001-07:00

Stuff *is* actually growing, although not all the things I'd hoped. At the very least, a few potatoes and a sea of green tomatoes.

I Want to Relax!

2011-05-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

Ugh! It sure feels like we've been running around a lot lately. I hope when Coralie is out of school, there will be less stuff going on. At least it won't be school related.

I went to the nursery yesterday and got a few things for the yard... I am so tired of seeing nothing but foliage and mud, so I got some flowers. Some snapdragons, and some penstemon and creeping jenny for the gap between the fence and the retaining wall. I also got a hardy fuchsia. I am still grieving the loss of my honeysuckle, and haven't yet built up the courage to cut the dead plant down. Besides, I can't move the blueberries there until they go dormant anyway.

Visited my mom today. It was a good visit... as good as it can be, anyway. She's so puffy from the steroids, and still bald from the chemo. She looks like a Podling. She has some joke glasses that are round with very thick magnifying glass lenses... she put them on and exclaimed, 'I look like Magoo!' We had a good laugh. She's going to give me her sewing machine, which is a very nice one, a Viking, I think. A lot of her fabric stash will also come to me. I am excited about it, but also sad that she's lost the ability to do something she really loved. I hope I can improve my own sewing skills, and honor her decision to let me have these things.

A Hint of Spring...

2011-04-29T11:47:00.000-07:00

I got my tomato starts this week. I decided to go ahead and put them in the ground, mostly because I'm lazy and I didn't really want to transplant them twice. I did some reading, and there seems to be some disagreement regarding how much cold a tomato can tolerate. Since it's still getting down into the high 30's at night, I went ahead and threw a cover over the tomatoes. Better safe than sorry.
The seeds I planted seem to be struggling a bit... some of them came up, but I think the chilly nights are probably slowing their growth. The peas are doing ok, 4 are up so far. At least the problems I'm having are just weather related, and not wildlife. Getting the bird netting over the garden straight away seems to have stopped any critters digging there.
I started thinking about the wild blackberries that invade our yard from the neighbors every year... I really hate them, but my kids do like the berries. Since I decided I didn't really want to fiddle with a cane berry, I didn't get any blackberry plants from the CSA last year. So I put a tomato cage over where the wild blackberry is coming up in the back of the yard, and I'll see if I can keep it confined to that area and at least get some berries for the kids. I mean, they're free, right?
My tree peony is leafing out nicely, which is a huge relief. I didn't know how it would feel about being moved, but it seems to have settled in ok.

Things are getting weird in my mom's situation... they had a disagreement with my aunt, so she left in a huff. My mom is starting to withdraw, so my dad has taken that and sprinted with it. He now says they don't need anyone around, they don't want anyone around, and they don't care what anyone else thinks. I have not tried yet to tell my dad that withdrawal from family and friends is part of the dying process, and that its not fair to cut themselves off from other people who love them. I believe completely that their heads hear what the doctors and the statistics say, but their hearts do not accept. It's a strange thing... not outright denial, but they have not reached a point of acceptance yet. There's really no right answer, I can't say for sure that I wouldn't do the same thing. One thing is for sure, I am *not* going to take sides, and I am *not* getting involved in the drama.

Mixed Feelings...

2011-04-23T21:14:00.000-07:00

So we've found out this past week that my mom's cancer treatment did absolutely nothing. All that fuss for... zip. Now all we're left with is hospice, or a newer treatment which will not get rid of the tumor but *might* buy her a few months of time (it's called Avastin). My dad and I don't really totally agree on whether or not we should do this other treatment... personally, I don't think its worth the risks (bleeding, death, and a lot of other non-fatal things) for not much gain, but my dad wants to do it, and I think that's ok too. He's really struggling now, and I think that he's so desperate for even a little more time with her, this treatment seems harmless. We don't agree on what her quality of life is now, although I think that its because we have different ideas of what 'quality of life' means. He sees that she's not having pain, and that she seems comfortable and not in distress, and so for him this is a good quality of life. I see that she is completely dependent on others, has lost the ability to do any of the things she loves, and her brain is constantly misfiring... this is not quality of life, to me. I don't believe for a moment that if she suddenly became totally lucid she would say, 'I don't mind living this way'. Even so, its true that she's not in any pain, and she does get some enjoyment out of interactions with family. So, there's that... I don't have any negative feelings about my dad wanting to go forward with the Avastin, if he decides to... more than anything, I don't want either of them to have any regrets about their treatment choices. So if that means trying *all* avenues, so be it.

Sorry Trees...

2011-04-06T09:48:00.000-07:00

The tree removal people came and felled the third and final tree I slated for removal from our yard today. I still have somewhat mixed feelings about it, because I love trees, and it wasn't the trees' fault the previous homeowner made the ill-fated decision to put them there. Even so, because I actually want to grow things besides moss in my yard, the trees had to go. So even though I was sad about having to cut the trees down, I am excited for all my other plants to get their sunny due. The guys felling the tree did step on two of my plants, but I don't think either was permanently damaged.

AND... I think one of my onion seeds is sprouting! Yay! That makes two peas and an onion. I planted one currant tomato indoors, and it has sprouted also. I was contemplating what to do about tomatoes this year, as I do not have a good space indoors to do seeds, but the answer presented itself in the form of a plant sale at my son's school. Which happened to include an heirloom tomato sampler. So that just left the currant tomato, which I started on the kitchen windowsill. So I guess so far this years gardening news isn't *all* bad... although a break in the rain would be so nice... and why is my weather widget predicting snow tomorrow?! WTF??

Boo...

2011-04-04T23:24:00.000-07:00

I had to take my little elderly cat to the vet today... we've been having trouble with her vomiting for the past four days or so. So, the vet took a blood and urine sample. He put her on a special gastrointestinal diet, and gave her a huge dose of subcutaneous fluid. They trimmed her nails for me, because they had gotten so long one was starting to grow into the pad of her foot, and she won't let me anywhere near her nails at home. The vet was concerned that her kidneys felt small, and so there might have been a change in her kidney function. Hence, the lab work. He said that shrunken kidneys would not be uncommon at her age (15). Despite knowing that all of this could mean nothing, and her labs could all be within normal, and that she's old, and when you're old, stuff just stops working... hasn't really kept me from feeling irrationally sad about all of it today... and its not like I've never thought about her dying, but I guess when a health issue crops up it gives you a rude reminder. Sort of like what has been going on with my mom, I suppose. It is still upsetting to me, knowing that I will lose my little cat someday... she's been my little neurotic friend for 13 of her 15 years. It's hard to imagine what my home will be like without her.

One...

2011-04-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

Went out to check on the garden today... of all the seed I've planted, one, single pea has sprouted. So I guess if all the rest fails, I'll have one pea.

It's That Time Again!

2011-03-31T10:50:00.000-07:00

Hello, friends!

Note: this photo makes the frogs look huge, but actually it was taken at 26x zoom through my patio door. If I'd gone outside, they would have jumped back into the water. I know this from experience. :-D

The First Day of Spring Break

2011-03-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

Not a bad day today... Coralie played at a friend's house until mid-afternoon, Keelan made a house out of a cardboard box. I got a few important things done in the yard- planted my peas and lettuce, made a pea cage, emptied a large, broken plastic pot of its soil and spread it around, and transplanted my echinacea to a sunnier location in the ground. I would have broadcast my wildflower seeds, except I can't find them. >:-(

My seed potatoes aren't quite ready to be planted. I want the sprouts to be a little further along.

We bought a storm door over the weekend, and the handyman-for-hire is coming on Wednesday to hang it. I've been wanting to do this for a long time... finally had to threaten to buy it on the internet before The Husband got motivated enough to borrow his dad's truck and make the buy.
Ditto for the trees in the backyard that needed to be removed... I told him I was going to hire it out, and suddenly, he was on it. Except one tree was too big to do by himself... but two out of three ain't bad.

The Husband replaced the furnace filter last night... he and Keelan have been experiencing some problems with allergies. Could be because the furnace filter was nearly BLACK. Yeah, gross...

Tomorrow Keelan has a playdate in the morning. On the one hand, I'm glad that the kids are getting into a better groove, socially, but I'm nervous about having to juggle a bunch of appointments on their social calendar. I am so disorganized.

Motivated By the Sun

2011-03-07T14:16:00.001-08:00

I did my jog today. Then I planted my seeds... this is very exciting to me, not just because of the beginning of gardening, but because I used a new method. In an online group I belong to, someone mentioned using flour & water to glue seeds to a paper towel, and then planting the paper towel. This was like a revelation to me. I use a modified square foot gardening method, so this sounded like a wonderful idea. So, today I planted onions, carrots, and parsley. *Fingers crossed* I still have some digging to do, and I've got to figure out how I'm going to support my peas.
I also thinned out my Japanese maple. Poor thing... it was dragging on the ground and full of dead wood. I hope it's happy when it leafs out... the airflow into the tree should be better, at least.

A Tiny Bit of Healing Would Be Nice

2011-03-03T17:02:00.000-08:00

I had my first therapy appointment today... my homework is to think about what I want to get out of our sessions. It's a good question, actually. The problem is less about my mom dying, and more about dealing with the gradual loss of 'her' person. That is what is happening now, and it is very hard for me.

I walked around the garden today. It was so energizing to see things coming up! I have some work to do, but I'm looking forward to the possibilities.

My son has his Kindergarten orientation tonight. It's hard to believe it's here already... I am excited and nervous for him at the same time.

Sad

2011-02-22T19:53:00.000-08:00

I had a sobering conversation with my mom today... it just made my heart break a little more.

She had related to me about a week ago that she was feeling unsure as to whether she wanted to continue treatment. When I saw her next, we talked about it and agreed that it seemed reasonable to at least finish the radiation cycle, since there's only one and she's got about 4 weeks left. She saw the oncologist today, and they talked about it. He's really a nice, nice fellow, considered one of the best oncologists in the state. He was pretty straight with them about her prognosis, and the fact is that her life will end much, much too soon. It's a matter of trying to stay comfortable and have acceptable quality of life in the interim.
She told me that she's afraid of losing her pride, and that she feels like she's shrinking inside.
She had a really bad episode of headache last night, and she said it made her so angry and miserable... in a way that's just not 'her'. She got mad at my dad and said some not very nice things to him, something she normally would not do. (Well, she certainly gets mad at him, but she would never cuss him out) It reminded me of something that Alzheimer's patients sometimes do. I told her that it was important to me that she feel at peace with her treatment choices, and that we are there to make sure those things happen. It's bad enough having to come to terms with dying early, let alone be left with *more* regrets. We agreed that we have to accept that there is an inevitable outcome here... it is what it is. However, it is important to me that all of us, as a family, feel like we did the best we could with what we had.

For what it's worth, right now, I think her quality of life stinks.

Welcome to the Germnasium... AGAIN

2011-02-16T21:23:00.000-08:00

So The Husband has had The Crud now for, oh, going on a week here. He's really sick, although he's been dragging himself to work most days. I think he called in once. Problem is, lots of people at work are sick, and he is In Charge. So if there's no one to cover for the In Charge person, it throws a real wrench into things. He says if he doesn't feel better by the weekend, he'll go to the Dr. (Which is funny, because he doesn't even *have* a Dr!)

So, today, Coralie came down with it too. She was a toasty 102 this afternoon. So she certainly is not going to school tomorrow.

Continuing with More Fun, The Husband has to go renew his CPR and ACLS certifications tomorrow, so he'll be gone. All. Day. As in, 8 AM to 8 PM. :-(

If Keelan catches this crud, I think I'm going to run away.

In Other News-
I made an appointment with my old therapist today... because of the kids' school schedules, I couldn't get in for a couple of weeks, but I think it will be ok. I am not in crisis right now.

I'm also making a list of tinctures to order, and I received my seed order from Territorial Seed. I'm going to need to get some sort of lighting setup for starting seeds indoors... last year didn't go too well (stuff came up, but the lighting wasn't strong enough). Not sure yet what I'm going to do... gotta do it soon!

Trouble With Remaining in the Present

2011-02-09T18:27:00.000-08:00

Now I'm starting to have some issues with my daughter... I think it started with me being gone a lot visiting my mom, but even now that I am home more, mentally I am often far away. I try not to be, but sometimes I can't help it. I know that I am not being patient enough with her, and I find we're having many days where there are tears and raised voices and frustration. I feel at a loss as to how to deal with it... my dad and I feel confident that we're starting to fall in to a sort of schedule, with mom's therapy and radiation and all that... and that soon we'll have a sort of 'new normal'. Hopefully, some of this stress will subside when the unknowns are fewer.

I did talk with both of them about what's going on, and asked them if they had any questions about it. Neither of them had any desire to discuss it much, so I left it at that. Keelan said he thought grandma was 'coughing sick', so I explained to him simply that she was not and that she had something in her head that's not supposed to be there. He said, 'Oh, that's why she's forgetting things'. I said yes. Coralie too, only had one simple question (although, for the life of me, I can't remember what it was) and that was all. I told them both that if they ever had any questions at all about what was going on, they could ask me and I would try to answer them. And that was it.

On an unrelated note, I am excited that I got my seed order off in the mail the other day. Next month, there will be things that need to be planted. Hooray!

FUN

2011-02-07T19:23:00.000-08:00

I've been doing some reading today, on how to talk to kids about cancer. I think I need to talk, probably with both, but definitely with Keelan, about some of the specifics of my mom's illness. We've told them that she's ill, and that she might not get better, but that's about all. Not because we wanted to hide it from them, but there was so much we didn't know. And because I *couldn't* talk about it much without losing my composure.
Keelan's teacher mentioned to me last week that he had mentioned grandma's illness at school, but that he seemed confused by it. He's also been exhibiting some other behaviors... not going number 2 for days at a time, loss of appetite, fatigue. He could be fighting off a virus, but the timing is suspicious. I'm afraid he's feeling anxious. So, I think I need to let him in on a little more detail regarding my mom's cancer, and see if he has any questions. The kids have been to visit her since she's been ill, and it's pretty obvious that there's something wrong with her. Unlike other cancers that might seem 'invisible' to the observer, brain cancer in this case is quite obvious.
I don't expect either child to really freak out or anything, but I still feel sad that I even need to have such a conversation with them...

I started journaling. I bought two journals, one for mixed media, one just for writing. Both are dedicated to me coping with my mom's diagnosis and whatever that wings our way. I looked up the number of my old therapist, because I suspect I will need it.

Another Edition of... YOUR MOM HAS CANCER!

2011-01-30T20:55:00.000-08:00

Went to the hospital this morning... I didn't stay very late today, as I am finding it harder and harder to just sit there all day. I feel like I'm just sitting there watching my mom die. I know that's an exaggeration, but that is just how it feels. While we all get our cheerleader on, 'YOU WIGGLED A FINGER!!! YAY!!!', I'm also thinking, 'So what?'. HER MIND IS GOING AWAY AND IT'S NOT COMING BACK. That's what hurts the most... well, that and the fact that she probably won't see my kids grow up and/or meet any new kids that might be had someday. No more cards in the mail, just for fun, no more imaginative Christmas gifts with creative wrapping. No more weekly emails, no more gardening discussions. No more Cancer Society thrift shop drama. No more compulsively washing my dishes when she visits my house. No more good advice.

Tomorrow we hear from the oncologists. My dad has a little fire under him now, about the possibility of treatment. I am wary of this... maybe I'm just being negative. I know enough about this type of cancer to know that statistically it doesn't respond well to chemo/radiation. I can't just say 'Sorry mom, we're just going to let you die' either, so maybe I'm just bracing myself for a negative outcome. Mostly, I want it to be over, one way or another, whether it be her time to go or get better. It just hurts, for all of us.

A 'Normal' Day

2011-01-29T20:10:00.000-08:00

I did not go to the hospital today. I felt mildly guilty, because my aunt was clearly disappointed that I wasn't coming, but I am TAPPED. OUT. I think I am entitled to one day to (relatively) recharge.

I originally planned to take the kids out to do something, but they got involved in some play at home and I decided not to interrupt. We did go out for pie after dinner, but otherwise we had just a regular ol' day at home. We were outside for a while, and discovered that we already have some eggs in the pond... I *think* long-toed salamanders. I think that's what I saw last summer.

I did spend some time researching alternative treatments for my mom's cancer (which I have discovered the correct spelling for- glioblastoma multiforme). I found a couple of integrative medicine physicians in their area, and I will pass the info on to my dad when I see him tomorrow. I had this thought, that if this is a zero-cure cancer (per allopathic medicine statistics), would it hurt to try something else? It's not like we have much to lose... but, in the end the decision is not really mine, so I will just let my dad know what I found.
I'm having a lot of mixed feelings, not the least of which is dread. Dread not for the impending loss, but the suffering of rounds of chemo and radiation, and many trips to the doctor, all for the same end result.

So tomorrow my brother-in-law will take the kids in the afternoon when my husband goes to work... I'll be tooling up to the hospital in the morning.

sigh

2011-01-28T20:50:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks like the diagnosis has been confirmed... the surgeon came by today to say that the preliminary pathology results do show glioblastoma metforma. Apparently the oncologist will meet with us on Monday to discuss treatment options, but... my dad and I are not sure whether it's worth it to even try. Chemo and radiation will probably not shrink this tumor. At best, it will slow the progression of the cancer, but that's about it. So, really, what's the point? More months of suffering?? My poor dad clings to every tiny improvement... she's moving her left side more now, as the steroids are reducing the swelling. She is off the IV narcotics now, so she's a little more aware. But when he says, 'Wow, look how great she's doing!' I just don't see it... when I look at her, I still see that part of her is just gone. So, there's my struggle. To me, she's already not herself any more...

I've Been Avoiding This Post...

2011-01-27T21:21:00.000-08:00

First time this week I've actually been on the computer. I don't even want to know how many are in my email box. :-/

I've been thinking for a while how I was going to write this, and whether or not I should try to be at least marginally cohesive, but I guess I'll just let 'er rip...
My mom has been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Tentatively, a glioblastoma metforma. Don't Google it, trust me when I say the statistics are dismal. They are waiting for the pathology results from a biopsy. The oncologist said today that it is *possible* she has a primary lymphoma, which is treatable and could possibly be put into remission. The surgeon thought the GBM was probably more likely, but final diagnosis will come with the pathology results. They are having us assume the worst for now. Which, seems kind of mean, but frankly I would rather that than have false hope. She's been in the hospital since Monday. Biopsy was Wednesday, just out of ICU today. Her recovery from the surgery has not gone as we had hoped... we're not really sure when she'll get to come home. She has lost awareness of her left side, and also some vision in the left eye. So, while her left arm and leg do work, because her awareness is gone, she doesn't even know they are there. It's so weird. I've spent every day, all day, at the hospital since she was admitted. When I leave, I can't even remember where I parked the car. When I get home, all I can manage is some tea and a little TV. My husband has been the dad and the mom all week, I have barely seen the kids. And can I just say a big THANK YOU to his boss for letting him have the time off...
There's a lot more I could say about it, but I haven't got the energy at the moment. I'm trying to stay in the now, because if I think too much about the future I just can't handle my grief...

Poor Thing...

2011-01-23T14:29:00.001-08:00

At first I was excited to have this Purple Finch close enough to get a good photo, but then I realized that something was wrong. He was sitting for too long, too close to the ground, and out in the open. I saw when he turned around to drink out of the bucket that his right eye was glued shut. I took this photo through the patio door. Afterward I went outside, and he actually let me get right up to him before he decided he was nervous enough to fly away... but I could see that he had some sort of eye infection. It's too bad... I don't get to see these too often. Usually we just have the House Finches.

In Case You're Wondering...

2011-01-22T14:01:00.001-08:00

Why that damn photinia just won't die...

There's your answer.
In summary- one effing HUGE ROOT.

To Get Sick... Or Not to Get Sick...

2011-01-22T00:15:00.000-08:00

In a real bit of bad timing, The Husband and I seem to have caught colds at the same time. He even took a sick day today, although he said it was more of a 'mental health day'... I felt pretty crappy earlier, and once he was up and moving in the afternoon, I went to bed. And took a looong nap. I actually felt quite a bit better afterward, which made me wonder how much of my symptoms were actually from lack of sleep... At any rate, the kids are at their grandparent's house tonight, and are attending a birthday party tomorrow, so we're getting a break. We went out for a late dinner and a trip to Everyday Music for some retail therapy.
It's also become apparent that I did something out of form at the gym yesterday, because my knee is hurting really bad today. Advil and ice only made a little dent. :-( Might not be able to do my yoga/pilates for a few days.

Huh...

2011-01-18T18:50:00.000-08:00

I actually came up short on my calorie count today... which *never* happens. I'm probably forgetting something... oh well, I'll have a snack anyway, just in case. ;-)

Small Accomplishments

2011-01-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

Behold, the first dirty sleeve of the coming gardening season...

Well, the weather widget was only forecasting rain today, so I had planned to dig my Daylilies later this week... but it so happened that there was some sun today, so I dug one up. It wasn't hard to dig up because the ground is very soft right now, but the clump was big and it was heavy. I was dismayed to find that they are already starting to sprout. :-( I may not get all of them moved this year. I also discovered a hitchhiker:

He buried his head, clearly *not* ready to wake up yet!

My leeks are making progress... I have yet to figure out what chewed on them. Squirrels, maybe, but I'd be surprised if they liked things in the onion family. Who knows... whatever it is, it doesn't seem to be nibbling the new growth. Seeing the leeks grow is a happy spot in the garden, aesthetically, not that exciting, but it's WINTER and something is growing! Especially since my garden produced nearly zip last season... it makes me hopeful for this next one.

I've been investigating the possible reasons why my kousa dogwood is sickly, but can't pinpoint anything. :-( I checked around the base today, to make sure it wasn't planted too deeply, but that doesn't appear to be the case. I did move the mulch away from the base of the tree. I guess a soil test should be next up... I remembered that we've thrown our wood stove ash in the corner near the tree in the past, maybe that screwed up the Ph too much... *sigh* I really don't want it to die, so I sure hope I can figure something out.

AND... last but definitely not least... Coralie is wearing JEANS today. I found a pair of skinny jeans ('jeggings', I guess. I really hate that word) at Kohl's. They are soft and stretchy, but they'll be sturdier than her regular leggings. Hopefully, this will be a nice bridge to wearing other kinds of pants. :-D

There Should Be a Title Here, But I Can't Think of One

2011-01-07T14:25:00.000-08:00

We love Spotted Towhees...

This is a new visitor for us, a Varied Thrush! Picture doesn't do it justice... it's really a bright orange and the size of a Blue Jay.
Otherwise, I'm just sort of waiting for the fit to hit the shan, as it were... son's fever finally broke, but he's still weak and hacking and wheezing. Yesterday, he seemed to be doing fairly well... we walked to the school to pick up his sister (I thought getting out and moving around might help loosen up his cough), but he disappeared immediately after dinner. I discovered he'd gone to bed, at 5:30 PM. I turned the humidifier on, and plugged in the Vicks thingy... He coughed and coughed and didn't really sleep, until about 9:30, when I finally decided that it was stupid to let it continue and I gave him half a dose of night-time cough medicine. Zonk! Out like a light and slept until 10 AM. Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, Coralie awoke with a fever this morning. She was so mad at me for making her stay home from school. I would love it if it were some kind of fluke, and she didn't get sick like Keelan (please, please, please). But I suppose I should prepare for the worst... LET THE FUN BEGIN.

Boooo...

2011-01-03T18:18:00.001-08:00

My son is sick. Really, really sick. Like he hasn't been, since, I think he was two. We have had our share of colds, everyone gets at least one a year, but this is different. He was his normal self all day yesterday, except Coralie mentioned that he seemed to be coughing. Before bed I noticed he had a fever, but he didn't seem overly bothered by it, so I didn't give him anything. This morning he woke up and was absolutely on fire with fever. He got in bed with me and said that he hadn't slept well during the night. He was twitching and making these death-rattle sounds, and couldn't fall back asleep. Husband is an RN, and he said I should definitely give him something. So I gave him a dose of ibuprofen, which brought it down long enough for him to want to get out of the house for a bit. We ran one errand and went out for lunch, and then he was heating up again. We went home and he parked himself on the couch, and we watched some documentaries about Disneyland and Disney World. Eventually he dozed off, but his breathing sounded awful and labored. At 5 he woke up and asked me to put him in his bed. I am sure I will be running in and out of there all evening, worrying. I may run to the drugstore for some refill pads for our little plug in Vicks vaporizer thing.

Husband is off today, so I asked him to take Coralie out for dinner... I know that our attention is diverted, mine especially, so I thought some special time with dad was probably in order.

Christmas, and My Daughter Turned 8!

2010-12-26T21:06:00.000-08:00

I am thankful that we are now fully on the downhill side of the holidays... because I am DONE, people. That being said, though, overall I was satisfied with how things went. I mean, every year there's going to be at least one thing/event that sort of goes down the crapper (this time it was Coralie's party at my in-laws), so I expect that. Christmas will never be, for me, the satisfying, energy replenishing time of year that it is for some. I'm just not that social a person, so being at parties takes my energy, big time. Last year, I was still studying with the Jehovah's Witnesses, and so took steps to separate myself (as much as was feasible) from the Christmas festivities. But after it was all over, I didn't feel good. It didn't feel right, and I felt left out. So, recently, I finally disconnected myself from the JW's. It was a hard and painful thing to do, but I knew there were some things that I was not going to give up, so continuing on with them just made me a hypocrite. So, I was back in the game this year. I tried really, really hard to not get myself into situations that were going to send my stress level through the roof. I did most of my shopping online, and made just one trip to Target. The Husband did the rest. I decided to put my own family first, for a change, and decided that they would be our first destination on Christmas day. I told The Hubster that I was only going to attend ONE other family function on Christmas, be it his parents, or his grandfather's. As it turns out, there was just one to-do, at his grandfather's house. AND we made it out by 7 PM. SNAP. We still ended up doing more than I personally wanted to do, but sometimes there's no way out of it... it was grandpa's Thursday, in-laws Friday, my parents and his grandpa's Saturday, in-laws Sunday. Unfortunately for me, after passing out at 8:30 PM Christmas night, I was wide awake at midnight. I was still awake when Keelan came in at 4, and was also awake when Coralie came in at 8. I knew that right there was going to make for a bit of a shitty day.
My mother-in-law likes to have a party for Coralie *on* her birthday (I relinquished ownership of that insanity a few years ago). So, we did that today. As it happened, Keelan had a nightmare last night, and showed up in my bed at 4 AM. So, not a good night's sleep for him. By the time Coralie's party came around, he really did *not* react well to a house full of people. He hid in his bed there, and cried for well over an hour. He was totally inconsolable. Unfortunately, we had my husbands car, which I can't drive (manual). Otherwise, I would have taken him home. Eventually, some friends of ours who live out of town showed up, and their 15 year old daughter somehow managed to bring Keelan back down to earth. Even Coralie was a little subdued, probably worn out from all the previous days' festivities.
So, right now, Keelan is passed out in bed, Coralie's at the movies (Voyage of the Dawn Treader), and I'm getting ready to have some tea. Tomorrow, we will visit friends. I am sorely in need of some non-family/what-to-bring-to-dinner conversation, let me tell you.

Growing in All the Wrong Directions

2010-12-09T19:57:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe this picture was taken just a week ago, the sun was out (and it was cold). As of today, there are urban flood warnings. :-/

I started journaling at sparkpeople.com again. I really, really, fell off the food management wagon. I'm going to outgrow my clothes very soon at this rate. So, I'm logging again in an effort to reduce my calories and increase my fruit/veg intake. It's really a downer, because I worked really hard to lose that weight, and I was so sure it was going to be permanent. I guess few things really are. :-/

Bah Humbug

2010-11-30T14:30:00.000-08:00

I dread this time of year, I really do. The reason for the season is completely lost on 95% of the Christmas-observing population. One of my husband's coworkers commented that she'd saved $500 by going to some 1 AM sale at Kohl's... but she still spent $700. Although apparently this covered all of her shopping for the whole family, I am still horrified at the idea of spending that much money on something other than a home or auto repair. I've spent $100 so far, and am at least halfway done. And I am still a little nervous about the final financial outcome, only because my husband does not pay much attention to such things when shopping for the kids. Still, I can guarantee you it will not be anywhere in the ballpark of $700.
I'm going to make an attempt at prioritizing my time better this holiday season, so maybe I won't get so socially burnt out. I would really just like one get together with each side of the family, and that would be enough for me. I just have to come up with ways to get out of the rest, LOL.

Bosco says... 'I see... snacks'...

I'm trying to work my way through 'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo'. It's very wordy, and I do find myself skimming a little. I've already seen the movie, so now reading the book actually makes some things make more sense. You just don't get all the back story and/or explanations in a movie.
Next up, I'll be reading the new Lee Child book. I'm surprised there aren't any Jack Reacher movies...

Thanksgiving!

2010-11-24T18:20:00.000-08:00

The kids and I will be hangin' with the in-laws this year, as turkey day also happens to be my parent's wedding anniversary and they will be doing something (or maybe nothing!) for that. Some years, I long to be able to host the big dinner, but then common sense returns and I gladly leave it for someone else (that would be my in-laws). I guess my other hang-up is that I'm really not a social person, so spending hours with relatives (that aren't even mine) really sucks the life out of me. My hubby has to work, so he has an out... :-)

I did make this pie, but it's not for Thanksgiving... it was just for us. And it's 3/4's gone already.

Been experimenting a lot with my new camera, and taking a lot of random photos (like pictures of the cat sleeping. Or a cup of coffee). We had an itty-bitty bit of snow this week (which then promptly froze). The kids, of course, were dying to play in that 1/8" of snow...

I am actually glad it didn't hang around long... when it snows/freezes, I'm totally stranded at home. This time, there wasn't really enough snow to do anything with, but the kids were out of school because of the ice. Made for a loooong day involving lots of TV. Although, to their credit, there wasn't much bickering or sass. (My sanity thanks you, kids!)

Definitely Too Old For This...

2010-11-17T19:46:00.000-08:00

This is definitely the worst case of insomnia, ever. I haven't slept in two days. TWO. DAYS.
I am an emotional, completely irrational basket case. I took some herbal sleep aid that I had (which contains Valerian), but it didn't work. Valerian never works for me by itself, but I hoped that it would help when mixed with other things. But, no. I bought a box of Calms Forte today, which does not contain Valerian. So, hopefully that will work. I am wary of using the heavy duty stuff... I do have to be functional in the morning. But if this doesn't work, so help me God, I'm going to need to be committed.

Look! It's NOVEMBER!

2010-11-05T10:09:00.000-07:00

Well, what do you know... Halloween came and went... kids went trick-or-treating. Came home with at least 3 lbs of candy. Bribing them out of it cost me more money this year, but I don't care. None of us need that crap in the house.
Coralie was able to fully realize just how awkward and impractical this costume was. But, she got to be what she wanted to be.

There are still some really nice fall colors in the garden. Not everything has gone bald yet. :-)

The Morning Glory is still going strong. No doubt this warm weather we're having helps.

I spread hay over the garden and in the back of the yard, and around the leeks. It was a lot of work, and afterward I didn't feel so bad about not making it to the gym that day.

It's Almost Halloween! Eek!

2010-10-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

Been working on my daughter's costume like mad the last couple of days. I'm almost done. I believe it will be passable. Thank God Keelan's is just an off the rack costume. *sigh* I really have to finish it tomorrow- Coralie has a Harvest Dance at school and needs to wear it.

Discovered today that my husband is all out of dental benefits for the year. Unfortunate, since he's right in the middle of getting a crown fitted. So everything from here to the end of the year will be out of our pocket. Already we're paying $700 for the crown.

I joined Facebook. Even though I said I wouldn't. It started out because my daughter's Girl Scout troop is on there, and that's how her leader disseminates troop information. She was having to make a point of sending me an email every time, which was, ah, hit or miss. I have to say it's been more fun than I like to admit. I've found some old high school friends... talking to them has been like being in a time warp. Some people really don't change much.

Haven't been getting enough sleep, which has been making me irritable. Boo.

Suddenly developed a flea problem, which is weird since I started keeping both cats indoors a couple of months ago. Anyway, they are eating me alive. Ugh. I itch just thinking about it. I've got the cats on some flea drops now, so hopefully the problem will abate.

The Husband is sick. Here's to hoping he doesn't share it. He might need to take a sick day, in which case I'll have a third child in the house that day. :-/

And that is all. Time to go check out in front of the TV...

Another Sunday...

2010-10-10T20:52:00.000-07:00

Church today... a good lesson on avoiding worthless things (biblically speaking). Many guilt pangs. :-)

Made individual chicken pot pies for dinner... Coralie has been requesting this for a while. It takes three days to thaw a chicken in my fridge, so it's been hard to remember to get that started. It's one of very few ways I can get her to eat some vegetables. She didn't finish, so no dessert. Keelan and I had some home made banana ice cream.
Made some chicken stock with astragalus.

Going to go get some new wheels on my car tomorrow... something I have been planning for a couple of years. Hopefully if I get over there first thing, I won't have to wait for eons.

I tasked The Husband with two things this weekend: clean the fridge, and clean out the car. He really went to town on the fridge, which was AWESOME. It's the only chore I hate more than laundry, yet I always get stuck with it. (Both, actually...) He even washed the shelves... it was so gross, even he felt compelled. Some nagging (and a day of respite, lol) was required to get the car done, but he did it this morning. Now I don't have to be mortified when I go get the wheels done tomorrow. So, yay husband.

Trying a new thing, trench composting. Or, in my case, it would be hole composting. It had been suggested to me by the landscape designer and a good way to improve our hard-ass clay. So far, so good. No rodent problems. Kids thought it odd to see me outside after dinner in my apron and rubber boots, digging a hole. Contemplating pre-digging some holes in case I feel lazy later.

Contemplating a couple of purchases... a DSLR camera (I keep waffling on this) and a treadmill. Probably not both, unless I get one used. Or on a super awesome sale. Husband would probably prefer the treadmill. We miss our elliptical trainer. I like a treadmill better... I can zone out better.

Couple of visits to the ND for acupuncture and neck/back adjustment. Things seem to be on the mend... more pills to take now. Possibly cranky gallbladder. :-( Of course, taking a few pills is far better than feeling like I'm going to puke, so, I'll take it. The recurring nausea so frightened my husband, he went out at 10 PM to get a pregnancy test. Hee!

That is all... must go see if 'Holmes on Homes' is on yet...

Well, That Was Not Fun

2010-09-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

I took Coralie to the Dr. today... she had a really hard fall about ten days ago. She complained of some wrist and hand pain that seemed to subside after about 20 minutes. Then, a few days ago she started mentioning that her right arm hurt. I must admit, I didn't put much thought to it, because... well, this is the same child who said her eye pain was cured after eating a slice of ham, so... anyway, yesterday she said the pain was interfering with fun things at school. So I figured, well, I better call the Dr. The Dr.'s office said there was a 'possibility she has a fracture', so she should be seen. Of course, that just triggers the mother of all anxieties... I mean, what if she's been walking around with a broken arm for ten days??! What kind of mother am I?? Anyhoo, we go to the Dr., get an x-ray, he says it's probably a sprain but their radiologist will double check the x-ray to make sure. And he says to Coralie, 'If it hurts, DON'T DO IT'. Hee... so, she will have to refrain from rolling down the hill on the playground at school for the next week. :-)

We took The Boy to school, then came back to wait for the housekeeper. I started feeling funny after she had been here for awhile. Fortunately, she was done with the upstairs by the time I had to run in there to THROW UP. I'm not sure if this is related to my anxiety about Coralie's arm or not. Certainly wrecked my day though... after that happened, I only had about 20 minutes before we had to go pick up The Boy from school. So, suffice to say, I was not myself... and I was praying not to barf in the car during the drive.

ALSO. I threw my neck out (again!). Now I really need to call the chiro...

Kids had lots of TV and instant mac & cheese for dinner. I had a piece of cheese and five crackers for dinner. Now I'm going to try a soft boiled egg.

Whee.

At least, tomorrow, TGIF!!

Excuse Me, I'm Just Going to go Insane Now

2010-09-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

Because, my daughter wants to be Jadis, the White Witch from The Chronicles of Narnia. Not the one from the new Chronicles of Narnia movies. The one from the 1988 BBC miniseries. Yes. Seriously. *sigh*

And Now...

2010-09-01T17:45:00.000-07:00

Computing from the comfort of my kitchen...

Meet the New PC! Ooo, shiny! Does tasks in under three minutes! Fancy under-lighting! It has a touch screen, which the kids think is the best thing ever. Mostly because when the screensaver is on, they can touch it and it makes ripples in the water.

And, it's so nice to have the computer out of the bedroom...

Well, Now

2010-08-26T12:10:00.001-07:00

The next time I'm preparing to rant about the awful freeway traffic (hey, thanks road construction!) I'll try to remember to think about this:

10 Day Traffic Jam

Oooo!

2010-08-25T23:11:00.000-07:00

What does one do when the kitchen looks like an episode of 'Hoarders' after moving things to make room for carpet/duct cleaning?

Watch movie trailers on the big, shiny new computer! Duhh!

Well, Hello There Blog!

2010-08-17T16:22:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have been absent from here for awhile. Mostly because I'm easily distracted, especially when I'm busy.

I've been watching series 1 of 'Lie to Me'. I'm really enjoying it.

I've been anxiously willing my tomatoes to ripen. I have a lot of volunteer tomatoes in the garden bed, which are fruiting more than my intentionally planted ones. It looks like the currant tomatoes are going to go first. I saw a few yellow ones out there today.
I'm continually frustrated by this years gardening, but I'm cautiously optimistic about next year. I'm hopeful that the things that I planted this year that are struggling will come back stronger next year.
I got a pretty good yield of potatoes. All my peppers are still green, one is contemplating yellow, but is still not fully committed.

Kids are going to church camp at my in-law's church this week. Their church has about a gazillion members. Picking up the kids today... was a FREAKING ZOO. It didn't seem well planned at all... but with that many people, there's probably no good solution. I'm contemplating telling The Husband he has to do it.

Bought some new curtains for the living room. (Exciting news, I know) The other curtains were very heavy. It was ok when the room was white, but since it's been painted I've been thinking we needed some lighter curtains. I ended up getting some off-white sateen curtains with a medium brown vertical dotted stripe pattern. They are lined but not blackout. It looks nice.

I've discovered Pandora. Quite possibly the best modern music related invention ever.

It's 90 degrees and cloudy right now. Yuck. Not a dry heat, at all. :-(

Boredom

2010-08-07T18:02:00.000-07:00

When you're at a wedding and the food takes eons to come out, you gotta make your own fun
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A Quiet House

2010-07-18T18:56:00.000-07:00

Kids have been away this weekend, at the beach with their grandparents. It worked out great, as I had a 'mom's night out' last night. Ah, it was good to be with friends and laugh really hard.

Since the kids were gone, I was able to get to Home Depot and (finally) get a new shower head... took about 5 minutes to install. Shower no longer sprays the ceiling. Why did I wait so long to do this??? I have no idea...

Husband has decided that perhaps he really doesn't want to complete the Photinia removal himself, and yes, maybe we should hire a professional. I am glad he came around, before he dropped a limb on the neighbors' roof or something. However, I am not glad that he blew the fungus-infected wood chips all over my garden... :-(

My tomato plants have all burned... too many hours of direct sun in their location. *sigh* So, I rigged a little canopy of shade cloth with two shepherd's hooks. Guess I won't grow them there next year! My currant tomato has one wee little green tomato on it.
My father-in-law gave me a squash start that he didn't have room for... he'd started some winter squash from seed and had a few late starters. I waited for it to get a true leaf, and planted it in a pot today. I haven't tried to do a winter squash on a trellis before, so we'll see how it goes. Last year I let them wander on the ground and they did terribly.
The Husband and I have been discussing a rather significant project we're going to have to take on next year (or possibly the end of this growing season)- dividing and moving the garden bed. Ugh. The blueberries don't need to be moved, but they have the last bit of sun, and the rest of the bed is fully shaded now. We think that we might be able to grow stuff in the front yard instead... once the Photinia are all gone, there's going to be quite a bit of sun in the front. Access is a problem, so we're working that out. Previous homeowner put a fake creek bed in the front... except, we're on a hill, so not only are all the rocks migrating downhill, the loose rocks are an ankle-snapping hazard.

I sat outside for awhile this afternoon, did my meal plan... I haven't been doing it, and my waistline and wallet are paying dearly. I went to the bookstore yesterday and got the newest 'Sneaky Chef' book. I went to The Mac Store, where the disappointingly unknowledgable salesperson directed me to the mall to (maybe)get a screen protector for my 1st generation iPod. I hate the mall, so I ordered it online instead.

So, overall I feel pretty good that I didn't spend my entire weekend in front of the tube. I actually, like, left the house and stuff... :-)

First Carrot

2010-07-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

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Ocean friends

2010-07-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

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Yummy

2010-07-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

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Where Does the Time Go???

2010-06-30T22:25:00.001-07:00

Today, my son turned 5.
It seems like not that long ago we were bringing him home, while dealing with the full horror of toilet training our daughter. *shudder*
He hated sleeping anywhere except with us. So I bought him a shirt that read, 'I hate my bed'.
He had jaundice, so he was put on a three hour feeding schedule. He liked it so much, he kept the three hour nursing schedule until he was 6 months old. :-(
You'd never know it now, but Keelan had wild, curly hair as a baby. Somewhere I have a good picture of him after a bath with a puffy little bouffant 'do... I started cutting his hair at 6 months.
My son has always been small... he was 3% on the weight chart as an infant. Now he's tall, almost as tall as his sister, but he can still wear size 3T underwear.
He didn't talk until he was 18 months old (other than 'mommy' and 'daddy'). Then he started speaking short sentences. By the time he got to preschool, he was so articulate, sometimes it was funny. He'd say things like, 'Yes. It is.' instead of 'Yeah!' His sister is like a non-stop audio feed, so he talks a lot now.
He's like Coralie's errand boy- 'Coralie needs a snack.' 'Coralie can't find her shoes.' 'Coralie wants to play on the computer.' What will she do when the day comes when he refuses to do her bidding?
Keelan for years talked in this incredibly high, cartoonish voice. He rarely deviated from it (my father-in-law said he sometimes did, but I never heard it). We used to joke that he was going to end up with a voice like Barry White someday. One day, he just stopped doing it.
My son likes to do things with his hands... he likes to take things apart and put them back together (sometimes correctly).
Ah... I could go on and on... but most importantly, he is a good son. And a good little brother.

Going to my Happy Place...

2010-06-29T19:06:00.000-07:00

Ohh... what an un-fun time we've been having. I am on the verge of calling the family therapist, before I say something to my daughter that I *really* regret. I almost called Monday, but then, she was really good that day! Sadly, it was not to be a trend. :-( Clearly, she feels she's not being heard (although, I feel like we do nothing *but* listen) and we're unable to cement the idea that 'listening' and 'getting your way' are not the same thing. So, around and around we go. Today the central problem was that I told her she couldn't have a sleepover. Who knew that little bit could ruin a whole day???
We did get out to the school to play and we three kicked a ball around until I felt like I was going to die *wheeeeze*

I've discovered that, you can, in fact, make ice cream out of frozen bananas. Seriously, it sounds weird, but it tastes really good. Except I tried to make mint chip today and added too much mint. And we all know that too much mint is like, WOWSUPERMINTY, and not that pleasant.

I got myself an ice cream maker, yay. I've had my eye on it for a year, and it never went on a good sale, so I finally just bought it. Made frozen yogurt, which was yummy, but the leftovers settled in the freezer and I now have a rock hard frozen block of cherry chip. I guess next time I'll let it run longer... :-)

Poppies are blooming:
I'm going to blame the wacky weather, but they ended up getting really, really tall before they got blooms. So now they are falling over because of the flowers.
I've harvested a few more pods of peas... not enough for dinner or a salad, but the kids really like to eat them out of the pod. Which is funny, because normally Coralie won't eat peas. Even now that she's decided that she likes the fresh ones, she still won't eat frozen peas.
I think the July blueberries will be on time... they are getting a bluish tinge now.
The echinacea seems to be finally getting going now, as is the huge ornamental grass that I moved recently. Both are putting up new shoots from the ground.
I'm glad to see things happening.

Random Bits

2010-06-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

We're off to a bumpy start to the ole summer here in the haggardmom household. Primarily, the swath of horrid meltdowns perpetuated by my daughter. Ugh.
Lots of 'YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!' which for her, is code for 'YOU'RE NOT GIVING ME WHAT I WANT!' Oh, and let's not forget the classics, 'YOU'RE STUPID' and 'I'M RUNNING AWAY'. Fun times, yo!

Operation Photinia Removal has begun. Today, a large branch fell on my daughter (from a low height). The Husband had cut it and then helpfully dropped it onto my tomatoes. I was pulling it off the tomatoes, and the large cut end fell towards me. Meanwhile, The Husband is yelling, 'Coralie, MOVE! MOVE!' Well, she didn't, and the branch fell and hit her shoulder. Then she started wailing because... we yelled at her. Then she was mad because I made her go in the house. Lots of screaming on her part (somehow, none from me). Anyway... Hubby and I disagree as to whether or not we should just cut them down all at once, or do it in stages so we can dispose of the debris. He doesn't seem to see how much debris is going to be created by three 30' trees... *insert eye roll here*

I was excited to see that my currant tomato has flowers. Hooray! Best garden news so far. I've harvested about a tablespoon of peas. Carrots have lovely foliage but no carrot. I think the onions are doing ok, but they grew sideways for some reason. So far, all the new plants- jasmine, climbing hydrangea, trumpet creeper, red huckleberry, and albiqua drinking gourd hosta are settling in ok. Fingers crossed now.

Watched 'Labyrinth' with the kids yesterday... it was too scary for my son, but Coralie enjoyed it. Totally awesome flashback for me. Still felt awkward about David Bowie's, uh, package. :-)

Oh, I've discovered the best time suck ever:
The Brick Testament
Seriously, this is the most interest my kids have had in listening to Bible stories, ever. Not to mention the amount of time I've spent browsing it myself... :-)

Peas

2010-06-23T17:04:00.000-07:00

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Farmer's market

2010-06-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

Cinnamon roll makes me HAPPY!
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GrumblyGrumblyGrumbly...

2010-06-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, I feel compelled to grumble here...
I signed onto the idea of having more fish tanks because it has always been my husband's area of expertise. He's done it for years and years and has always been good about the maintenance. Until this go round, that is... somehow, all of it has slowly been shifting to... me. It started with the feedings. Harry, our large Severum is imprinted on me now, and gets very excited if he sees me nearby. Fine, I don't mind doing the feedings, I've got to feed everyone else in the morning anyway. Then, water changes started getting less and less frequent. Seemed benign until Gilbert got sick. So here's how that has gone-
Gilbert was moved into his own tank. Odd behaviors continued, he still refused to eat. I did some research, decided he probably had a parasite. Got some meds for that. Two doses later, no change. Ok, 10% water change, try a different med. Two doses, no change again. Try yet another anti-parasitic. Two doses, with a water change in between, still zip. I did a lot more reading during this time and just ended up confused. I even pulled him out of the tank and peered into his mouth to see if he had an obstruction. Today, noticed a new problem, difficulty staying upright while swimming. Great. In desperation, I went to the aquarium store and asked for help. The fellow that manages this store isn't the friendliest guy (in his defense, I'm sure he encounters a lot of really stupid people in his line of work) but he knows his stuff. So I left that conversation with-
1. Check the water from the tank he came out of. A dramatic difference between the two could be exacerbating the problem. Also, poor water quality in the original tank would make him susceptible to illness.
2. Stop the drugs, put the filters back in.
3. Don't feed unless he really looks like he's hungry.
4. Here's the fun one- Epsom salt baths for 15 minutes. So, basically I'm supposed to put him in a bucket of salt water for 15 minutes, as strong as he can tolerate.
So, I came home and tested the water in the other tank Gilbert was in... well there's the problem right there. The nitrates in that tank are OFF THE CHARTS. I don't know why the other fish aren't dead. Which means that THE PERSON WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CHANGING THE WATER EVERY WEEK HASN'T BEEN DOING IT. So I did it. And, I'll have to do it again tomorrow, and maybe the next day, until the level comes down. Ohh... I was so annoyed. I mean, they might be 'just fish' to some, but they are our pets. We are responsible for their care. Some of the fish are now suffering because of the water conditions. I am feeling a little resentful that this is sort of silently being passed on to me because apparently I'm the only one who feels any sense of responsibility, and is detail oriented enough to recognize abnormal tank conditions.
Oookaay... getting off my soapbox now...

Hey, today was the last day of school! Hooray! I took the kids out to dinner, and Coralie had a giant meltdown at home because I sternly told her it was not acceptable to pick up the cat by the scruff and chuck him because he was 'in the way'. Let the summer fun begin!

I Hate This Day

2010-06-15T17:34:00.000-07:00

I'm having A Day! A day where I really want to say 'Children, can you please go be annoying somewhere else???' That, however, would be a terrible thing to say to my children. (I can think it, though...)

A day where it CONTINUES TO RAIN. And my plants CONTINUE TO DIE. Except the weeds. They never die. My passionflower is on it's way out. My honeysuckle is limp. Echinacea won't grow.

A day where every exchange with my daughter turns into an argument. One that ultimately resulted in her stealing my iPod, me taking her Zhu Zhu pets, two tantrums (hers, not mine), and eventual return of pilfered iPod and confiscated Zhu Zhu pets. And Keelan walked around with his fingers in his ears so he wouldn't hear her screaming. I didn't want to hear it either.

I should have known how this day was going to go... when first thing this morning, Keelan got upset that I threw out a smoothie that had been sitting in the fridge since last week. He sat on the floor of the kitchen and cried for 30 minutes.

*sigh*

Missions Accomplished...

2010-06-12T18:19:00.000-07:00

Seems like I can't Twitter and blog at the same time... if I'm actively Twittering, I'm not blogging. If I'm blogging, I'm not Twittering.

Anyhoo...

FINALLY THE SUN CAME OUT. LEGS DID NOT SUFFER FORCEFUL HAIR REMOVAL IN VAIN. AND IT WAS NOT 50 DEGREES.

The Husband took the shorties to the beach with his parents, to go clamming. Coralie loves clamming. I was invited, but when faced with the opportunity to have a whole day (and night!) to myself to do stuff (or not), well, I decided to stay home. AND LO & BEHOLD I actually did do some stuff today...

Went to the consignment shop to get Coralie some pants, as she's already too tall for most of the pants she got for Christmas. Also picked up some things for a friend who had a wee (5 lb!) baby last weekend.

Bought three large tomato cages... two round for tomatoes and one box for dahlia. I am aware of how ridiculous I probably looked with these large cages wedged into the back of my two door coupe. With one pointing right at the back of my head. (I couldn't have it scratching my window tint, man!)

Pulled up all the unwanted grass clumps in the backyard. Here's the one upside to all this rain... they came right out.

Tried out some new anti-slug & snail spray made with cinnamon oil.
Al's did not have the right kind of nematodes I need for the cutworm problem. :-(

Dug a big hole. The landscape designer I consulted with noted our patio drainage problem, which we had always attributed to either improperly sloped patio or drainage pipe. She said it looked like the sloping was fine, but that the drainage bed was not properly prepared. She said I should dig a hole and fix it. So, I dug a hole. What do you know! The drainage pipe was actually blocked with concrete from the patio. Wellll, there's the problem right there! I cleared the blockage. Sprayed water on the patio, and the water cruised right into the drainage hole like it's supposed to. So, now The Husband will finish enlarging the hole and we'll fill it with gravel.

I was feeling buoyed by the weather, so I hung up my solar string lights. I was not, however, feeling ambitious enough to drag out all the furniture and umbrella.

I noted that there are eleven flower stalks (!)on my small Hosta.

I hung out a load of laundry on the line. The lines desperately need tightening, but it's such a pain in the ass... *sigh*

Made a jar of tea in the sun.

Had tuna salad for dinner, sat outside with a bowl of ice cream afterward.

Now I'm thinking about all the stuff *inside* the house that needs to be done, which I really don't feel like doing...

Happiness is...

2010-05-28T09:44:00.000-07:00

A new shower curtain???
Well, yes. I was at Bed, Bath, & Beyond yesterday to get a curtain rod, and I saw this. This is an Amy Butler design, and I *love* Amy Butler fabrics. I am used to getting $10 shower curtains at Ross, so I felt very naughty buying this... but then I saw a shower curtain in a magazine that was $125 (and it was made of the SAME MATERIAL as this one) and then I didn't feel so bad. Husband thinks it's girly (it is) but too bad. This is HAPPY FABRIC.

I planted Coralie's veggies yesterday... I had to put a couple of her lettuces in my garden, which turns out to be good because something ate the two in the pot overnight. :-O

RainRainRainSun!RainRainRain

2010-05-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

Coralie has been bringing home an assortment of veggies that she started at school. So far we have a potato, a green bean, and about ten lettuces which are sprouting out of one hole. There is still a sweet potato that has yet to arrive. I decided most of it can be planted in the pot with my dead orange tree. I think the tree will provide a nice trellis for the bean. She's pretty sure the lettuces are head lettuce (groan... because I'm having such good luck with them... insert sarcasm here).

I started on Discworld #5 today... I've been getting them for my eBook reader from the eBook library... it feels good to be voraciously reading again, it also feels good to be reading something light and funny. I briefly entertained the thought of reading them to Coralie, but there's a little innuendo in them that would be awfully hard to explain, and she wouldn't get a lot of the jokes. I read that Terry Pratchett has been diagnosed with Alzheimers... what a terrible thing, for such a fantastic author to lose his mind that way. Some irony there too, I suppose...

Not much happening in the garden, nothing new, anyway. Just waiting for this damn rain to go away. :-(

Haven't been sleeping very well lately... last night I took some Valerian tincture before bed, and all it did was give me warm fuzzies and no sleep. That stuff tastes and smells exactly like stinky feet, so for it to then not work was supremely aggravating.

Departed from my no-carbs-after-4 status to have blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs with chicken hot dogs for dinner. I let the kids crack the eggs, which they were very excited about. And I only had to fish out one shell fragment. I know I need to be better about getting the kids involved in the kitchen, but it's so hard! I often have some sort of timeline in my head that does not allow for the delay/extra mess of little hands.
Coralie's already wacky eating habits are taking some new twists... she informed me recently that she doesn't like bananas and peanut butter together (WHAT??!!). She told The Husband yesterday that she no longer likes tortillas (!). And she claims to dislike Nutella, pears, and yogurt. *sigh*
She asked me yesterday why I never make foods that she likes... I calmly replied that I like to eat more than three foods, and when she's a grownup she can eat all the mac & cheese, pizza, and peanut butter she likes.

I signed Coralie up for a couple of half-day nature camps at the local nature park this summer. I haven't decided on anything for The Boy yet. Do they have a class for little boys where they can run around in circles for an hour??

This is one of those weeks where I ordered my week's groceries online from New Seasons, to be delivered... I just ran out of time slots in which I could get to the store by myself, and my desire to grocery shop with my shorties is severely limited. I usually go to Trader Joe's, but NS had Kettle Chips on sale this week... the only thing I didn't get was turkey, because, sorry New Seasons, I am not paying $20 for a turkey breast. I will go get cutlets for $5 at Trader Joe's, thank you very much. Fortunately, between my weekly produce box and dairy delivery, I don't need much from the store. I escaped New Seasons for about $55.

Only a few weeks left of school... Lord, I cannot wait...

Kapow!

2010-05-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, we just need a reminder that all the yard work we do is truly worthwhile...

Architectural Masterpiece

2010-05-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

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Pfff...

2010-05-06T20:25:00.001-07:00

Had a visit to the chiropractor today... she thinks I have chondromalacia in both knees. :-/ Fortunately, there are some exercises I can do to alleviate it, so I'll talk to the trainer about it at the gym next week.

Speaking of the gym, my trainer has asked me to forgo grain carbs after 4 PM to try to help reduce my, uh, puffy middle. Now ultra focused on all grain based dinner accompaniments.

I made stew for dinner. The kids ate approximately one bite each.

Bosco is still with the vet... I meant to call and check on him today, but I got sidetracked. I know they would have called if something was up... but it's weird not having him around, in all his irritable, annoying, hand biting glory.

Planted some snapdragons this week, for Coralie. The blooms aren't open yet. I planted my cucumber start out in the garden this week. Hoping to be able to do the tomatoes soon, but it's still too cold at night, I think. Potatoes are coming up, thankfully. (Boo, hiss to animals who filled in my holes!)

Our Apple snails (Mystery snails) laid eggs a while ago, so The Husband and I have been watching impatiently to see what happens. Apple snails are one of the few that have separate genders, so you actually have to have a boy and a girl to get babies. Well, as luck would have it, the randomly chosen two that we got were male and female. 'Tom & Jerry' turned out to be 'Tom & Jeri'. It has been interesting to watch... they lay their eggs above the water line. And now that the deed is done, Tom's a bit of a mooch. He climbs on top of Jeri's shell and rides around.

And now, I will take some Excedrin for my knee pains and woman pains and watch me some TV.

Collared

2010-05-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

Bosco didn't get his drain out today... they say Wednesday will be the day.

Hmm

2010-05-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

Restaurant pager looks suspiciously like a stun gun...
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It's... KITTY DRAMA

2010-04-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

I think I'm a Bad Cat Mom.
Soo... Bosco went out Wednesday evening and didn't come home in the morning. My first instinct was that he'd been eaten... he just isn't the type who'd get lost. He knows where the food is, and very much enjoys partaking of it. Anyway, when I told the kids he was missing, Coralie said 'Did we lose him forever? Can we get a new cat??' Keelan actually cried at school today, because his teacher mentioned the cats to him (not knowing one was missing). Imagine my surprise when Bosco magically showed up on the back door mat this afternoon. That was quickly replaced by dismay, when I opened the door to let him in and he wouldn't get up. I picked him up under his 'armpits' and put him down inside... and he was creeping like a little old man. It was like he could barely walk. My brain was thinking 'OMG SOMETHINGS BROKEN'. He came into the house a few feet and laid down. I tried to get him to take some food, and he wouldn't eat (red flag). Then he hid behind a chair. So I called the vet, and they were full but said that I could drop him off there and they'd try to squeeze him in somehow. I had to get Coralie from school first, and then we got out the cat carrier. Here now was a problem... Bosco had since relocated himself under the bed. I was terrified that I was going to damage him somehow, but in the end I had to pull him out by the scruff... and he *growled* at me when I picked him up, so I knew something was going on. He growled a lot when I was trying to get him in the carrier. We dropped him off at the vets, and they called me about an hour later. Turns out, he had an enormous abscess on his abdomen, requiring surgery. Luckily, our regular vet was in and was able to do the procedure. He said it was 3" wide, and 1 1/2" deep. He said the pus in there was really rank. Bosco had a fever of 105. I remembered that a few days before he disappeared, Bosco was in a fight. I had done sort of a cursory inspection of him the following day but didn't feel anything... he doesn't like to be touched underneath, so I didn't check there. After talking with the vet, we agreed that this is probably the origin of the injury... I mentioned that Bosco had growled at me on Wednesday when I picked him up to put him out (which seemed odd at the time), and the vet said that he probably had the abscess then. The reason he didn't come home is because he felt like crap, and cats hide when they don't feel well. They think that the limping and reluctance to walk was probably because of the pain of the abscess, but they'll do x-rays later if he continues to limp. They said they didn't feel any complete fractures on exam, but that if he was cracked somewhere, they'd need an x-ray to see it. The vets had him heavily medicated after surgery, so he'll stay there overnight. He'll come home tomorrow with a drain and a Cone of Shame (if you've seen 'Up', you'll get this) :-). The vet says he'll have to stay in a bathroom or somewhere where there's not carpet, because he'll be, uh, draining (so gross).
All this anxiety about the cat (first the missing cat, then the broken cat) is exhausting... Husband and I were talking today about our love/hate relationship with Bosco ('unpleasant cat' as hubby calls him), but I'm used to having him around and I never wanted anything *bad* to happen to him. He's most attached to me, as his primary care/attention giver, and regardless of his cantankerous disposition, I made a commitment to take care of him.

But I'm realllly glad the vet didn't call and tell me 'It's a broken pelvis. That'll be $3000.'

Anxiety!

2010-04-28T17:44:00.000-07:00

I am feeling anxious... Aunt Flo is late. Less concerning is the possibility of accidentally creating new life than what the ensuing week is going to be like when she finally arrives. *sigh* A huge bummer, that's what it will be.

:-(

Also, made a doorstop in my bread maker today... not sure what happened, guessing that the amount of liquid called for in the recipe was not enough. It's really ok though, we don't mind eating the doorstops too...

Yum

2010-04-27T09:37:00.000-07:00

You know it's going to be a good day when there's a giant lollipop to be had.

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Goings on...

2010-04-25T18:36:00.001-07:00

I spend a lot of time grumbling, to myself and others, about the state of the garden. I have a lot of frustrations this year. So I decided to make a point of documenting a few things that are happy and happening right now:

Pansies (we'll just ignore the fact that the slugs are eating them):

Peony about to bloom (this plant has never bloomed, and so I don't have any idea what color it is.)

Coral Bells about to bloom:

So it's not all bad! I just need to keep telling myself that... over... and over... and over....

No view for you

2010-04-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

A corner seat on the new MAX train...

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Bring on the Buckets

2010-04-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

I planted my first bucket today... I pulled out the first of many five gallon buckets, plus my three largest flower pots. I planted my three pepper plants and my melon. These are the things that are going to spend the whole season in the greenhouse, so I figured I might as well get them settled into their permanent homes.
I covered my raised bed with bird netting, hopefully reducing critter interference.
My God, it felt good to get out and work in the garden today. I felt some of the darkness I've been feeling lift.

Thoughts on Grandma

2010-04-20T22:16:00.000-07:00

I learned recently from my mom that my last remaining (and most favorite) grandma is not doing very well. Not from one specific disease, like cancer, but from old age (stuff just don't work any more!) and a broken heart I think. My grandpa died about five years ago... there was a lot of talk between my parents and I, regarding how long grandma could go on after that. It sounds terrible to say, but we were sure that she wouldn't be long for the world after grandpa was gone. I've not known any couples so in love, aside from my parents. Brent and I visited them about a year after we got married... that was, oh, about 8 years ago now. They were both healthy and active, and my grandpa still swatted grandma on the butt, LOL! Three years later, he was gone. When you've been with someone as long as they were together (50+ years), how do you go on? They were so very close... it was hard to imagine grandma carving out a life by herself. She actually did better than we expected, moving to Palm Desert to be closer to my aunt. Still, she's been declining, slowly at first, but much faster now. She still hurts terribly from the loss of her life partner... she has said 'It doesn't get better with time... it gets worse.' And now, she's just tired. My parents are certain that we're on the downhill slide now, so my dad is flying out in a week or so to spend a few days with her. I went with my mom to visit her about two years ago... it was painful for me to see that she was nearly a shut-in, going only from her bed to her recliner with the help of her caregiver, when she had been so active not so many years before at my previous visit. It was very, very sad. This loss is going to be devastating for my dad, who is *very* close to his mom. *sigh*

Bummer

2010-04-19T19:07:00.000-07:00

Just got back from Ree Drummond's book signing at Powell's... I got there 30 minutes early, because I have two kids and had to feed them and get them out of the house, and also because there was no way my two kids could stand to wait an hour or more to try and get a good spot. By the time I got there, the crowd has overflowed out of the store and they were out of tickets. Powell's uses a ticket system to keep the book signing portion under control and moving along. If you don't get a ticket, you have to wait until all the ticket holders have gone through before you can get in line. There was no way I could wait two hours or more with the kids... Keelan was whining to leave after the author had been talking for five minutes. So we made it through the talking/Q&A part and then we left. I was hoping to get my book signed, but settled for being just outside the room she was in. ;-)

Spring!

2010-04-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

Ah, the aggravation of Spring weather... sun, rain, sun, rain...
It was awfully nice today, at least until evening. My hostas and echinacea came in the mail today, so I went out and planted them. I have been trying to site a good spot for my elcampane... but it just didn't happen. So many things are new in the garden this year, and I just don't know yet how it all will grow. I ended up with too many things that will get big, the elcampane included. So, for this season it will grow in a pot and I'll see next year how things have done.
Too much brown and too much green in my garden right now... the only things that are blooming are my pansies and vinca, and my neighbors flowering cherry (which I love and hate).
My seedlings have been in the greenhouse all week. So far, they seem to be doing fine. I think I will go ahead and prep the buckets for the plants that will stay in the greenhouse all season, so they can settle into their permanent locations.

Another chiropractic visit tomorrow, to check my adjustment and see if there's anything else that needs to be done right now. I've slept terribly all week (not because my back hurts), and I've been fussing a lot about my posture and worrying about wrecking my adjustment before it has a chance to really stick. I guess I'll find out tomorrow!

I've had something in my left eye all day today... terribly annoying...

Random Bits

2010-04-10T15:10:00.000-07:00

Finally, after years of grumbling, I'm going to the chiropractor on Monday. Hopeful for good results. Back pain sucks, man.

Had a bad computer virus last week. Had to pay $150 to the hire-a-geek company to fix it. She worked on it for 2 1/2 hours, before she was finally able to find and get rid of the source file. I had to get rid of some fragments that were left behind after she was done, but otherwise, PC is back to its regular level of slowness. I was very annoyed by having to hire someone to fix it, usually I do all my own maintenance, but this was bad. Had to browbeat The Husband about READING all pop-ups and NEVER CLICK 'OK'.

Got my son enrolled in a pre-K program for the fall. Feeling mighty good about it, actually, despite my initial insistence at homeschooling. This is a good school. And in my budget! And not a co-op!

It was nice enough today that I was able to get some stuff planted today. My yarrow, aster, and elderberry cutting all went in the ground today. Futzed with some rocks around the pond. Found an arrangement that I like.
It's fairly warm today, so I put my plant seedlings out in the greenhouse. Will probably have to bring them in for the night.
Moved my old worm bin into place, now patiently waiting for some soil and my herbs.

Been watching season 1 of '24'. Finding Jack Bauer's wife incredibly shrill and annoying. Also working through season 2 of 'Bones'. Mmm... David Boreanaz...

Husband committed a bad door-ding in the REI parking lot today. Blamed the kids, for 'being so slow' getting in the car. I still haven't figured out how that translated to him letting go of the car door while parked on an incline... at any rate, it left a paint mark but didn't dent the other car's door.

Kids are going with the grandparents tomorrow to the coast. Coralie is out of school Monday, and I'm going to let Keelan play hooky so he can go too. Hooray all around.

Coralie attended her first sleepover... it was at her uncle's house, with his fiance's niece. Who is, quite possibly, even bossier than Coralie is... anyway, they get along well and are always excited to spend time together. Although, I'm pretty sure my brother-in-law was glad for the quiet after they left...

Zzz

2010-04-03T13:38:00.000-07:00

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Waffle-y goodness

2010-04-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

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Blah

2010-04-01T20:55:00.000-07:00

It's been one of Those Weeks... :-/
Keelan doesn't want to go to school. Coralie doesn't want to do her homework. The new fish tank is suffering a bad algae bloom and plants are dying. I'm tired. Coralie had an award ceremony for Girl Scouts on the same day that I had an extra church meeting. Then the next day I had a doctors appointment. Which leads me to...

Male doctors should be ugly.
I had an appointment with a new ENT for my recent vertigo attack. Here's the problem: he was tall, and very good looking. And only about 35 (if even). Excellent bedside manner, too. So one of the tests is a maneuver where you have to lay down very fast on the exam table to try to trigger dizziness while the Dr. watches for abnormal eye movements. So, this involves the doctor staring at the patient while the patient stares at the doctor. While this is happening, I'm thinking 'I am married. I do not want to be staring intently at a good looking man (well, maybe I do, but I probably shouldn't). This is very awkward.' And then I started giggling like an idiot. It was then that I decided that there should be an ugliness requirement. Fortunately, I came away with sort of a non-diagnosis (might be Meniere's, might be a virus. Might not.) and a 'Come back if it happens again'. Oh, and the real bummer: 'watch your sodium, and only 1 cup of coffee a day' (NOOOOOOO!) So I'm not going to be going back often.

I'll be suffering the familial requirements of Easter this weekend... church, spending half a day with my husbands family, more church. And let's not forget having to make salad for 20 and having to deal with sugar-fueled kids. :-(

Well...

2010-03-26T12:59:00.001-07:00

Despite my fears, the K Man slept all the way to 8 AM. Amen!

Heron

2010-03-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

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Zzz...

2010-03-25T18:50:00.000-07:00

Here's my son at 6 O'clock. I walked around the house calling him, and I couldn't find him. Coralie said, 'Here he is! He's asleep behind the table.' So, I (rather awkwardly) took him to his bed. Sadly, I expect he'll get up at 6 am tomorrow. :-/

Spring Break

2010-03-22T16:06:00.000-07:00

Well, spring break has begun. I felt some pressure today to get the kids out and 'do something'... but I resisted. After all, it's spring BREAK. The kids have been fairly low key today... they spent a long time hiding in the space behind Coralie's futon (something I'd actually rather they not do, as I'm paranoid about it falling on them), playing and reading books quietly. Right now, they are watching 'Jumanji'... it's a bit scary to them, but they insist on watching it. I think it's not 'scary/nightmare' scary, but more like 'fun' scary.

Coralie started reading one of the 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid' books... my husband took her to the book store, and I think they picked one at random, because it's not the first one in the series. Oh well... I am fairly sure that some of the content is not entirely appropriate for a 7 year old, but at the same time, when it comes to books I am not going to be the 'book police'. It's not like she's reading porn or something. Anyway, I think the 'diary' format is a good introduction to reading chapter books.

We went to the aquarium store today, to get a high-output light fixture and some plants for the new fish tank. I sure hope that will be the last large expense on this adventure. HO lights are not cheap. :-/ Hopefully in a couple of weeks, we'll be able to add some fish.

We're having chili for dinner (much to the dismay of my children), and hopefully a low key evening.

As the World Turns...

2010-03-19T17:46:00.000-07:00

We bought a new fish tank today, a 75 gallon long tank. This will be our 'community tank'. It will also be our first foray into densely planted tanks. Something we've always admired, but were not in a position to attempt... although we're growing some Hornwort in the goldfish tank, but that's because it grows faster than they can eat it and doesn't mind the cold water.

I was able to procure a gently used Wii Fit Plus this week (suck it, Nintendo, and your withhold-product-to-drive-up-price scheme). I've been using it in between gym workouts... although, it informed me on the second day that I'd gained two pounds. What?!! I so did not eat 6,000 calories in 24 hours... stupid water weight. :-(

Kids are outside making mud today... I know some parents are thinking, 'Gah! Kids are home for a week! What will I do?' but I, for one, am looking forward to only setting my alarm on gym days, not fussing about lunches, not fussing about Keelan being late for school because he didn't want to get up (again), having less driving to do, and not having to worry about my son having to be pried off of me at school because he doesn't want me to go (again).
I am glad for the break... well, 'break' is relative... :-)

Very Exciting Things

2010-03-13T14:26:00.001-08:00

A very. still. Robin...
Pond rock re-setting project in progress! Thanks to C & D!!-
AND... first pea!!-

All the Fun of Being Drunk, Without the Alcohol

2010-03-10T17:34:00.000-08:00

I've been suffering the absolute worst attack of vertigo ever, for the past two days. I spent all of yesterday dizzy and nauseous, with tinnitus and a headache. And spent a lot of time horizontal. Walking to get Coralie from school yesterday was awful... my vision bounced when I stepped too hard and I felt like throwing up. Today, I had The Husband drive me to run a couple of errands, and it was ok. Still dizzy with too much getting up and down.
Called the ENT, they can't get me in until the 31st. I was really hoping they could get me in during an attack, but no. And if this one lasts all the way until then, I'm going to need to be committed.

We bought a couple of Mystery Snails (where's the mystery? I don't know...) for our big tank, but I ended up having to take them out. We have discovered that Harry wants to eat anything smaller than a fist, so every time the snails would start to come out of their shells, he would try to eat them. So they're temporarily living in Coralie's tiny tank with her fish. At least they can cruise around in peace.

Influencing the Weather

2010-03-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

I went out and watered some seeds in the garden this morning... now, by the looks of it, it's going to rain.

Squirrels are digging in the garden. So far, only where I haven't planted yet, but I can see that this is going to be a problem this year. May need to lay out some chicken wire.

Mmm...

2010-03-02T09:50:00.000-08:00

Note to self: when making granola, do not be tempted by the health benefits of brewer's yeast to put in a full cup. Thank you.

I've been reading Rodale's 'Garden Problem Solver'. I particularly appreciated the section on insectary gardening, which included a suggested garden plan. I have a few spots in my yard where I think this would work... but many of the plants on the list are not readily available here. I found a local company, Wild Garden Seeds, that carries an 'insectary mix'. So, I ordered a packet. It contains some of the plants that were in the book, plus some others. I'm going to try to get to the nursery today or sometime this week to look for a Cascara. Portland Nursery has them, but Al's is closer, so I'll try them first.

Coralie spent yesterday morning with her head in the toilet... no fever, just the shakes and the vomiting. I was not feeling so great myself, so we took a long nap together. She was alright by early afternoon... we're guessing that this is a delayed reaction to the massive amount of sugar she consumed over the weekend. I tried to keep the sweets at bay yesterday. She had a granola bar, and some tea with honey, otherwise all she had until dinner was bread. I hope to continue that today, although she will certainly have something junky at Girl Scouts. :-/

I Hate Colds

2010-02-26T17:25:00.000-08:00

I really hate being sick... and this cold is quite mild, compared to what many others are dealing with. Still, it makes me cranky and throws off my routine.

Even so, it was with enthusiasm that I went out and planted my peas this week, and put up the Leaning Tower of Peas-a (hee!) AKA a bamboo-pole teepee that leans slightly to the left... soon I will also make a ladder on it with some twine (as soon as I FIND the twine). AND one of my cucumber seeds sprouted indoors. So, that makes at least one of everything I planted indoors... I have decided that I am going to just make peace with whatever comes up, and I'm not going to bend over backward to *make* things grow. It just stresses me out, and the results are rarely worth it. On that note, I am trying not to overwhelm myself with things that don't grow well here. While I am going to try sweet peppers this year, it's only because I have the pop-up greenhouse, which will make better conditions for them. Same with the melons.

Also, this arrived today:

This, friends, is my gift to myself. A new bread maker. A not-cheap-ass bread maker. Although, in my defense, I did buy an open-box unit, thereby saving myself $40. :-) I am very excited about this... hopefully the long line of doorstops will end.

A Sign of the Times...

2010-02-23T19:43:00.000-08:00

My daughter's school had a lockdown today. So, I got to wait outside the school for 30 minutes in the rain, before the alert was lifted. Which was just fabulous, since I feel like absolute crap today. :-(

I did manage to get Keelan to gymnastics today, but that was about all. I opted to keep Coralie home from Girl Scouts, because it would have made for a later bedtime for the kids and me, since I have no intention of staying up very late this evening. And, well, I just plain didn't feel like going out.

I made myself some chicken broth with herbs, garlic and ginger, so I'll be sipping that throughout the evening.

I think I'll pass on the gym tomorrow...

Progress

2010-02-21T20:00:00.000-08:00

Well, I just had to get out in the sun today. I went out and dug the pot that the peas will be in. I moved some branches that were on the ground and moved the pop up greenhouse to the other side of the shed. I think it will be an excellent location for my peppers and melon.

Yesterday, I helped a friend with what will be a totally bad-ass chicken coop. :-)

Last night, I got two out of three bookshelves assembled before I ran out of steam.

That is all for now.

Yay, Sun!

2010-02-18T19:38:00.000-08:00

I was happy to see the sun today, despite a rather cold wind that came with it.

Yesterday was a fairly productive day... I finally turned the compost (something I've been procrastinating on for eons). I actually had enough compost at the bottom of the bin to spread on the garden. First I loosened the soil with a shovel, as it was pretty compacted. The kids helped me move the compost and spread it, and Coralie helped rake it in. She was very enthusiastic. While I was turning the unfinished compost, I picked out some of the soldier fly pupa that were in the bin (ohh, how they creep me out...) and put them in the bird feeder. It sure felt good to get that done.

Today, my husband helped me remove the remainder of the interior fence, and *finally* get the debris from our rhododendron removal out of the yard. The plants are going to be happy to see some more sun.

All 5 of my tomato seeds sprouted, and so far one millet. Pretty soon I should be able to plant the peas and lettuce outside. My peony (that never flowers but has lovely leaves) is coming up, along with my little hosta. I have a grand experiment going, with a branch that I cut off my tree peony that I stuck in the ground just to see if it would grow. I also saved some seed pods from last year's flowers, so I might try that too.

I've been watching our new fish friends... Harry definitely wears the pants, and spends a lot of time chasing Gilbert. Sticker, the plecostamus who was alone in the tank for soooo long, has shown himself to be a territorial fellow and doesn't like either of them. So far, there have been no injuries. :-)

brown dogs

2010-02-15T09:22:00.000-08:00

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